The Catholic boarding school was a desperately lonely place where, from my point of view, I couldn't match the playground banter of mocking people and sexual 'jokes' and so became locked up inside in shame and confusion. Mass going and chapel were compulsory.

I contemplated joining the priesthood but went instead to university where I met some students who studied the Bible and were enthusiastic about having a personal relationship with God. They asked me when I became a Christian and I insisted that I had always been one and that conversion was a gradual thing for me. I had always done everything a good Catholic was meant to do and so, of course, I was a Christian. These people had another set of activities which made them better Christians. And so, once I had overcome my reserve about possessing a Bible, I did those activities too.

These activities included 'quiet times', scripture memory, Bible study, prayer, going to rallies and conferences, flatting together and witnessing. I continued to also to go to Mass every Sunday because, as a Catholic, it was compulsory. Although my parents had no objection to my being involved with these 'Christians' yet they noticed my life wasn't actually improving at all. In fact, I was up tight and intense and eroding inside.

It all came to a head when I woke up one night with a nightmare that I was going to hell. I looked out at the window at the large furnace which heated the hostel and was overwhelmed with fear. I looked within to find some good that might commend me to heaven but could find none. All I found was a life full of religious activities. I had been living under the LAW. For five months I desperately looked for consolation from anywhere. My Bible told me that 'No one is put right in God's sight by obeying the Law, all the Law does is to make people conscious of sin." (Rom 3:20). For the first time I realised that inside was pride, self-centredness, greed, deceit, jealousy, lust, folly, gluttony and, worst of all, hypocrisy. I had called myself a Christian yet bore no fruits of Christ. I had been a disgrace to his name and thus an enemy of God. My Bible told me there was no longer any sacrifice that could take away sin if we purposely kept on sinning after the truth had been made known to us, all that was left was the coming judgment and fierce fire (Heb. 10:26). I took to gluttony and despair. There was no hope. I was lost. All my striving to do the right thing was like filthy rags, useless, because in my heart I was a rotten sinner - unfit for heaven.

One day a good friend came to see me at home and said he thought a certain scripture was for me. It was about a man called Naaman who had leprosy. All he had to do was obey God and he would be healed (2 Kings 5). I thought about that.

Shortly after that it was Christmas Eve. I was wandering in a paddock of sheep, my family were down at midnight Mass and a thought struck me. Why don't I try obeying God - I had nothing to lose. But what would that mean to me? A scripture came to mind. "Consider everything as complete rubbish for the sake of what is much more valuable, the knowledge of Christ (Phil. 3:8). So I loaded my Austin A40 with all my worldly possessions and threw them in the local rubbish dump. Then I came back to the hogget paddock and decided before God that, whatever has happened or will happen, that I was going to put my trust in the blood of Christ for the forgiveness of my sins and, when I did stand before him after death, my only plea would be His sacrifice on my behalf. As I decided that, all the guilt left me. A tremendous peace and joy flooded my heart. I had just repented of my trust in myself and my ability to please God and instead trusted Him; I had been born again. Now I no longer had a righteousness of my own, the kind that is gained by obeying the Law. I now had a righteousness that was given through faith in Christ Jesus, a righteousness that comes from God and is based on faith. (Phil. 3:9).

After that time I had such a hunger for the scriptures that for several years I took work on farms and contracting to free my mind to study and memorise the scripture, to lay a solid foundation of Christ and His Word in my life.

There have been subsequent ups and downs. Several times, when life has been a struggle, I have reverted to doubt and despair, thinking I haven't been good enough, I must be a fraud. My childhood programming of trying to please God by what I do reared its head and I have fallen into doubt for several months on end. Each time, hearing the simple message of the gospel of the grace of Christ has restored me. On one occasion a lady came to me with a word from Christ, "Come to me all you who are tired from carrying your heavy loads and I will give you rest." (Matt. 11:28). My heavy load was sin and guilt - there were no other conditions for coming to Christ - I qualified - I could come and I did and found again rest in Christ - by grace alone.

On another such down period I thought about the two men who went to the Temple to pray. One stood up the front telling God how good he was and thanking Him that he was so much better than the sinner down the back who was telling God how bad he was. It was the latter who went home right with God (Luke 18:9-14).

After another period of doubt I reflected on the prodigal son and felt I had committed every sin portrayed by this wayward son. However, he made his way home and, before he could even finish his speech of confession to his father, he was accepted and welcomed home as a son - forgiven all. What a picture of God's grace. It set me free again. He didn't have to live responsibly in order to be reconciled to his father - he just had to come home with a repentant heart and all was forgiven. The older brother couldn't cope with this. How Catholic he was trying to gain acceptance by doing the right things. It was he who remained outside in all sorts of sins; jealousy, pride, self-righteousness, anger, bitterness, resentment, while his wayward younger brother was inside enjoying the party and understanding that acceptance by the Father is based on grace and not works.

Where do you stand? Inside or outside?

What are you trusting in to please God - your works or His grace?

Please contact me. I long for those Catholics who are trusting in only their own works and not the sacrifice of Christ, to come to know the free saving grace of Christ. I can say with the apostle Paul,
"My brothers, how I wish with all my heart that my own people (Catholics) might be saved. How I pray to God for them! I can assure you that they are deeply devoted to God; but their devotion is not based on true knowledge. They have not known the way in which God puts people right with Himself, and instead, they have tried to set up their own way; and so did not submit themselves to God's way of putting people right. For Christ has brought the law to an end, so that everyone who believes is put right with God. (Romans 10:1-4)

Please contact me at pwduncan@clear.net.nz

Paul Duncan