Part Twenty-seven

Angel still held Xander to his chest as they appeared back in the lobby of the Hyperion. He gently let go of the boy to turn and watch as the portal collapsed, shrinking in on itself, before disappearing as if it had never existed.

Xander clutched his head with both hands, oh yeah... he'd forgotten the nauseous rush of travelling through a portal, the weird dizziness complete with cartoon stars or was that supposed to be circling tweeting bluebirds. Oh whatever...please just stop.

Slowly the constant shifting ceased 'thank you' and the world came into sharp relief again.

Xander lifted his head to confront a group of very familiar faces, all grinning at him. It took a moment for his brain to adjust to his new surroundings. When it finally sunk in that he was home, he couldn't help but grin rather dopily back at Cordy, Wes and Gunn...oh and Angel of course. He had never thought he'd see them again.

It took the whirlwind, 'ex-cheerleader, ex-queen of Sunnydale high's clique and last but definitely not least, his Ex' to break the excruciating silence that had fallen over the hotel and pretty much bowl him over in her enthusiasm. She hugged him, squeezed him so damn tight he wouldn't have been surprised if one of his ribs just popped from the strain. Wow, he was so blown away by the welcome and as soon as Cordelia had placed him back on his feet, he was swept up by a new series of hugs. There were whispers in his ear of " So good to have you back Xander " interspersed with very macho claps on the back.

When they had all taken their turn crushing the stuffing out of him, they all stood back. Xander attempted to gain his breath, he was going to have bruises all over his body, but that was okay he was happy to be back.

" Hey everyone..."

He truly couldn't think of anything worthy to say, Xander fell into a silence, knowing they were all waiting for him to say something clever. Then it occurred to him that he hadn't even thought to ask straight away. How could he have neglected to remember...he'd just been so caught up in the fever, it had been hard to think...

" Connor is he okay? " Xander reached for Angel's shoulder, brushing the leather of his jacket " I remember you taking him. He's alright though, not hurt ? "

Angel leaned back till the hand dropped of its own accord. He glanced at the others before smiling at Xander " No ...he's just fine. Not a scratch on him "

Xander sighed, he was so glad nothing...well anything had happened to the little tyke " I guess he's sleeping right, he's not driving all of you insane yet ? " he chuckled, his eyes wandering from his friends to the lobby. It was just like before, nothing had changed at all, it was all so incredible.

" No... he's out right now, not quite sure when he'll be back " Angel answered. Xander abruptly spun from his perusal of the reception area, part amusement but mostly confusion plastered over his face.

" What do you mean he's out. You mean with a nanny? Cos' I never figured you Angel for ever letting the kid out of your sight, not until he was at least forty... " Xander frowned, shaking his head and being amused by Angel's bizarre humour. This he remembered so well, not from Sunnydale because the vamp was pretty morose back then, but from that week he'd lived here at the hotel. In that short period he'd been adopted into their family and it had been the sanctuary he'd been craving. Xander had finally gotten to know the vampire and actually change his mind on how he felt about the man. They had all been so supportive when he'd spilled about his shame of leaving Anya at the alter, of abandoning the team, of running away from Willow... she had deserved so much better than that.

Xander turned and wandered over to the desk Angel always parked his butt on, sinking into the worn leather chair with a deep sigh. 'Willow, how could he have just left her like that, his oldest friend and he'd wiped her out of his life without a backward glance. What had he done?'. Absentmindedly he picked up the empty mug just sitting there. He held it, tilting the rim of the cup towards him, traces of blood still clung to the bottom. As he leant the cup on its side, a tiny bead of blood circled the base, gently he turned the cup in his fingers until it completed an entire loop. Setting the mug back on to the desk, he fell forward, his chin coming to rest on the palms of his hands, elbows braced against the smooth wooden surface.

A lock of wet hair distracted him from staring hard into the very grain of the oak. The knotted strands obstructed his view as they hung over his eyes...then it hit him.

His hair was wet...wet from the lake....and the sex...and...

Spike!

Spike who loved him, was waiting for him, who would be wondering what the hell happened to him...but no Spike was here, here now, here...but not here though. Damn it he had to go back to Sunnydale, talk to Spike and Willow, the gang. He had to go back home.

Xander dragged his fingers through his hair, pushing wet locks off his face in desperation, he stood, his eyes still fixed on a distant plane.

Angel came forward, concern flickered over his face as he observed Xander's sullen demeanour. Hesitantly he touched the boys shoulder, brushing over the light cotton soothingly before whipping his hand back as if it burnt to touch him.

Xander slowly lifted his head, searching Angel's eyes through a dark curtain of alluring lashes.

" Angel... " he hesitated, clearing his throat before starting again " Angel...you don't remember me? Do you ...from before ?  "

Angel stared, then slowly frowned " Before...? " his tone was so obviously that of someone who had no idea what Xander was talking about. Xander gave him a small tight smile borne of sadness. Angel seemed not to know him, surely he wasn't that forgettable. He should tell Angel what happened, who he was with, but it didn't seem as important as seeing Spike right now.

Going back to Sunnydale, he had given up hope of getting back to his time, never thought he'd be allowed the chance to beg Willow for forgiveness...for being a first class arse and just leaving her like that. It couldn't hurt to drop in on Spike too, find out if there was any memories there of him or if he had just hallucinated the whole thing. He so wanted it to be real. Please he pleaded, have this not be some pathetic fantasy I conjured up. 

" I have to go... " he looked at Angel and then at the others " I need to settle things in Sunnydale "

" Now? You don't want to wait until it gets dark? " Angel shook his head and continued " Of course not, you have to go to Sunnydale today " and he reached into his pocket and extracted his keys. Stretching out his hand " Here, take my car it'll be quicker " and he dropped them into Xander's upturned palm.

Xander's fingers closed around the offered keys with the merest hint of humour sparkling in his eyes. He would never have guessed Angel, just giving him (of all people) his beloved convertible to drive. There must be a catch " You're coming with me ? " he asked.

" No, not going anywhere. Take the car, don't damage it and then bring it back to me.    Okay ? " Angel smiled.

" Okay " Xander quickly responded. He gave the vampire a funny look then switched his attention to the others. " Alright then, I'm going, I'll be back though okay. So no getting killed while I'm away " he smirked as they all nodded, smiling back at him. Cordelia even ran over and kissed him soundly on the cheek, before swiftly moving back to let him pass. Xander left, but not before giving Angel one last puzzling glance.

Angel sighed as the lobby doors swung shut and silence reigned once more. He sat down hard in the chair Xander had vacated, picking up the phone from the desk he hit redial and waited for the answer.

His eyes were trained on Wesley, Cordelia and Gunn standing across from him, all of them just as intently watching him.

The phone was finally picked up on the other end.

" Are you ready ? "

" Good, he's on his way. "

" Yes, he has the car "

" okay "

" See you soon "  and Angel hung up.

*******************************************

Xander slumped forward in the drivers seat, his elbows resting on the steering wheel, his cheek pressed against the cool leather encasing. He had travelled scarcely two blocks from the Hyperion and all he could think about was Spike, those lush kisses, his screams of pleasure, Spike ramming hard into him, cleaving him in two, all that fiery passion so close to the surface, spilling over him, drowning him.

God he wanted to be engulfed by it again...  and again and again.

Abruptly he pushed back till his spine was rigid against the back of the seat. He had to stop this type of thinking. It wasn't helping. There must be something he could do to relieve the pressure. Relaxing slightly he unlocked the door and stepped out of the car. He peered up at the neon sign flashing close to his face. Thank god for twenty-four hour service. Deftly he pushed open the door, the frantic jingle overhead seemed to anticipate his need.

Moments later Xander was careering down the freeway towards Sunnydale, happily sucking on a Hershey chocolate bar (one of many). He'd been starving (hence the reason he had a brown paper bag overflowing with munchies on the passenger seat) but the closer he got the more his nervousness obliterated his hunger.

Two hours of mind-bending torture where Xander still managed to eat through his entire stash of comfort food, while seriously debating with himself, out loud, the 'why the hell am I's ' of going back to the Hellmouth. His inner demons were taunting him, giggling nastily at his need to immerse himself in his fantasies...because that's what Spike is for him, a pure indulgence waiting to fucking blindside him. 

Before Xander knew it he was passing the "Welcome to Sunnydale" sign, but in his head the mantra was still drumming on the inside of his skull ' Not too late, turn back donut boy, not too late, get your arse back to LA '. Of course he was ignoring it and turning right on into town. Go see Willow, Buffy, Dawn...oh and Tara. He'd only been gone weeks, not even a month...yet the place felt odd. Nothing seemed overtly changed, well not that he could tell the streets were so dark. Had the lighting always been this poor? He couldn't remember. You know he knew this was just some anxious manifestation his brain, concocted so that he would turn tail and run back to Angel and co.

Xander parked outside the 'Summer's' house... the shades were drawn tight but all the windows were lit from behind, that meant someone was at least home. So he wondered why he couldn't get his damn legs to move. Would they hate him? That he left them to fend for themselves. What was he saying 'fend for themselves' like they had ever really desired his help, not in the longest time had he been needed here.

Closing his eyes briefly, he took a breath and stepped out of the car. Where was the ominous organ music that should be accompanying his walk up to the front door. He knocked and waited, glancing down at his feet, glaring at them to stop shuffling. A few seconds ago he couldn't get them to move and now they were doing nothing but. He was nervous and that was ridiculous, he'd known these women...forever. 

No answer and he couldn't see enough behind the curtain to tell if anyone was there.

Xander was about to back down the stairs, when he saw movement to his left. He let out a very unmanly yelp and the response was soft, girly laughter. From out of deep shadows appeared his childhood friend.

" Oh god Will's you nearly gave me a heart attack...what are you doing out here? " Xander hesitated before coming closer.

Willow watched him approach, a gentle smile gracing her face " Angel said you were on your way, wanted to scare you a bit...especially after you left me like that. Not a word Xan how could you? What no phone where you were? "

Xander chuckled at that and then noticed she wasn't laughing, instantly he felt guilty. " I'm so sorry Will's...I'm an idiot and I just cowardly ran out of town. Please forgive me for being such an arse, I don't have a good enough excuse but I'll beg and I'll shower you with chocolate, do your cleaning, alphabetize your spells...please " he even threw in his wounded puppy dog eyes, hell he was desperate.

Willow narrowed her eyes at him, a very real shiver trickled down his spine at the truly evil glint in her eyes. She shrugged her shoulders and sighed, one of her dazzling grins transforming her features. Xander blinked and blindly wiped her malevolent appearance from his thoughts. This was the Willow he knew and loved...he inched forward and she rushed into his open arms. Oh man how he had missed this, he had a lot to make up for.

" I forgive you..." she whispered in his ear before pulling back out of his embrace. Xander let his arms fall uselessly at his sides, he gave her a tiny smile before glancing down at the soles of his shoes as they rubbed the porch flooring of their own violation. " So uh should we go inside then... " Xander quickly turned to face the front door. Why was he such a bundle of nerves tonight, he needed to get a handle on himself and no, not in that way.

Willow snatched at his hand before he could reach for the handle and tugged him forcefully down the steps. " No ones there, I think we should walk, its a nice night and lets just walk okay? "

" alright " Xander responded and let himself be guided by Willow. They had wandered half a block before Willow noticed that she was still holding his hand, she immediately dropped it.

Xander glanced at his rejected hand and hurried to catch up with her furious pace." Will, is everything alright? it's just ...." Xander realized they were heading for the cemetery where Spike lived. " Why are we here ? " he really didn't want to cross the street. He wasn't nearly ready for this, for seeing Spike again and having the vampire sneer at him.

Willow watched the panic come over Xander, she grabbed his hand and spun him toward her. " We have to get to safety and I think Buffy is in the cemetery " her eyes held him.

" You think she's in there? " Xander shook his head to clear his thoughts " hang on why do we need to get to safety, please don't say we are being followed by something demony ? "   He could see the alarm in her eyes as she watched something over his shoulder.

" Okay I won't say it " she murmured. 'Aww shit, why the hell had he come back here again, nasties were behind them and he really didn't want to look. Xander flinched at the growl ...fuck okay vampires, of course fucking blood suckers...what else would it be.

" Umm no stake ? " 

" No Stake " she replied. " Okay...I guess it's running for our lives then " he winced. She gave him one of her sheepish grins " Isn't it always "

'Ohhhh yeahhhh wasn't that the truth.

Oh please Buffy be here somewhere dammit. They both ran, Xander was trailing behind Willow some what, the women was spending far too much time doing this, she really had the speed down pat. Willow had disappeared from view.  'Oh god where was she' ?

Suddenly an arm snuck out from behind a tomb, latching onto his sleeve, he found himself  hauled around the corner. Willow slapped her hand over his mouth. Xander froze as he noticed she was listening for the vampires. Goddammit he couldn't hear a thing over his thumping heart. Slowly she dragged her hand from his mouth " Buffy ? " he whispered. Willow shook her head " Come on " she demanded, yanking at his hand to follow.

Soon he found himself outside a familiar crypt. Willow was pushing at the door " Will, shouldn't we knock ? ". She turned and looked at him like he was absurd. Xander laughed anxiously at the words. 'Knock' that was funny. Please have Spike not be there...I beg you please.

The place smelled exactly as he remembered, of stale tobacco and the faintest scent of leather and cologne he was sure had been his. A television was on, god it sounded like porn, how very Spike grinned Xander. Okay he could do this and he closed his eyes, breathing in deep the aroma of the vampire...he felt delirious, his skin flushed as the images tumbled through his mind.

He heard a gasp and his eyes flew open, his memories scattering to the dark corners as reality crashed in on him, in all its Technicolored glory. His heart screamed 'No' but his tongue had lost the words. All he could do was stare, shaking violently as his Spike fucked the slayer, Buffy the goddamn chosen one.

Xander forgot to breathe, nothing existed but her mewls of pleasure that struck him with such devastating force. The whole world narrowed down to this impossibly small space where Spike hissed through his teeth, as he pumped his hips, driving deeper into her as she thrashed with sinful abandon against his sheets. She was cooing at him, her skin flushed as she smiled up at her lover ... while Xander's heart was shattering in his chest.

A great keening sob burst out of Xander's throat and he couldn't stand it any longer, he stumbled backwards. Spike's head whipped around at the sound and he immediately connected with Xander trying to stop the tears streaming down his face.

" Doesn't anyone have the decency to bloody well knock in this town." Buffy just giggled at his anger as she stroked his face. Xander's eyes stretched impossibly wide, he shook his head not believing that she didn't even look slightly guilty at being caught.

" What are you gawping at boy? " Spike sneered, he started to laugh and his laughter just grew louder and louder until Xander wanted to scream. " Oh don't tell me, you're so shocked that the mighty slayer isn't as bloody virtuous as you thought right, you'll have to dismantle that flaming pedestal you placed her on... "

Xander didn't stay around to hear the rest...  he had no words. All he could do was run, just run.

..............................................................................................................................................................................

Part Twenty-eight a)

After Xander runs...

Spike watched Xander leave and he wanted to scream, to run after him but he couldn't. Because he'd promised, swore an oath that he wouldn't.

" Goddamn it !!!" he roared, leaping off Buffy and slamming his fist into the closest thing in his path. The force of his rage tore a portion of the concrete from one of the supporting columns. The thud as it struck the stone floor reverberated against the crypt walls. It wasn't a satisfying loss of control, it didn't help, if anything it only seemed to fuel Spike's agony. A hollow empty tone that intensified the despair he'd seen reflected in Xander's eyes.

" You had no choice, you had to do it. Even I was impressed with your coldness. That was quite the performance " there was such mirth in her voice and she was not one to be easily amused...bravo to the vampire.

He spun towards her, a solitary threatening step...his fists clenched so tight he could smell his own blood, his nails gouged into his skin with such vicious efficiency. Spike's entire body shook with the effort it took to contain his fury.  

Spike whirled towards movement that had caught his attention. Buffy was languidly stretching on his bed, rearranging her limbs to a more comfortable position. Finally sensing his eyes on her, she smiled provocatively up at him. Wriggling her hips and spreading her legs for his favour " Do I not make you shiver with antici....pation " she twitted.

Spike stared at Buffy in disbelief, frowning before turning to Willow and arching an eyebrow.

She shrugged in return looking mildly embarrassed. Spike shook his head in disgust, he had little patience left.

" Just for gods sake don't tell me you programmed her to sing ? " he rolled his eyes as the woman on his bed started to twist her golden hair around her finger while glancing vacantly around the crypt.

Spike began to pace, he couldn't take much more of this insanity...all he could think about was his Xander, hoping this farce was worth the price, this plan better work.

" Well I'd say its been grand but I'd be lying. So anyway...shows over, time to leave now " Spike swiped up Buffy's clothing from the floor and threw them at her.

She pouted sulkily at him, sitting on the corner of his bed. Her perkiness had exhausted him driving him bonkers...but that was nothing compared to the simpering smile and the whiney noises coming out her mouth now, they were so grating on his nerves and he was very close to...

" Get the fuck out of here, both of you " he growled, his blunt human teeth grinding together.

" Spike, sweetie I didn't please you baby, because I can rewind the entire sequence and we can start... "

She didn't get to complete her sentence before Spike had yanked her from his bed and hurled her against the wall. No way was he listening to this bitch say anymore.

Buffy slid down to the floor, her left eye winking frantically as several wires protruded from a gash in her forehead.

Willow rushed forward glaring at Spike as she avoided the sparks zapping out of Buffy's head.

" Hey leave her out of your giant hissy fit. You agreed to do this for him. " Willow fusses over her sweet dolly " She was only doing her job, you didn't have to hurt her "

Spike snorted, he was furiously pacing again and he felt like he was damn well falling apart  " Christ can you like fucking get her out of here, this place reeks like a damn Barbie doll was roasted "

Willow ignored him as she continued to comfort Buffy, acrid smoke was making the air quite impenetrable. Spike intercepted his stride with deep mournful howls...where he threw his hands up in the air in supplication muttering to himself. He would roar and smack his hand into the wall, kicking at the harmless sarcophagus, all the while Willow stroked Buffy's arms watching the vampire warily through the curls of smoke. 

" I agreed to this, I did, I just had no idea it would be this hard...you know. Everything, every bloody memory of him back then comes flooding back...and its too much ..."

Spike staggered, clutching at the wall. He swiped at a tear that had the audacity to spill over his cheek. Anger surged through him.

" What do you know of love " he accuses Willow, glaring at her as his hands shake uncontrollably " You're there for the ending, to dish out your vengeance, you don't stay for the aftermath. You don't know what real love is, what it does, how it changes you, its messy and ... " he sniffs, rubbing at his nose. A heart breaking sob wrenches out of his throat.

" Hey...I resent that, I know about emotion ...I deal with it everyday buddy and...and its a right pain in the posterior "

Spike breaks into a bitter laugh " Oi, oi captain ...that it is " he nods sadly, sliding down the wall to join them. He turned to frown at her " You do know your girls on fire... "

"Shit "

Lets go back... back to the Hyperion, after Xander left...

Angel dropped the phone back on the desk, the splinter of plastic broke the silence of the room " So that parts over then." he picks up the mug Xander had been holding a moment ago. " Spike said everything is ready...so I guess all we do is wait " he dipped his finger into the ring of blood, coating his finger he scooped up the droplet, placing it in his mouth, he sucked on it.

" By the way...which one of you had the idea of placing a cup here on the desk ? " he growled, smashing the mug down on the surface. " He was suspicious enough, I could see the confusion in his eyes, he's not stupid you know..."

Cordelia cleared her throat before stammering

" It was me, I just thought...that a souled vampire drinking pigs blood from a mug, would you know... "

" What ? " he roared " He would leave it on Cordelia's desk "

" Oops...I guess I forgot that "

" You forgot...brilliant because its not like we have been going over every detail for months now "

" I'm sorry okay...besides that was not what he got suspicious about "

" It certainly didn't help...not only was it the wrong desk but Angel was an anal prick who would never dream of leaving his blood soiled mugs lying around, lest he upset his ditzy secretary "

" Hey she helped, she had the visions sent from the powers that be and all " Cordelia fumed

" Believe me that's all she had going for her and you can stop with the accent its damn irritating " Angelus glared back at her.

Her eyes flickered to gold for an instant before she rethought her anger. He was just trying to rile her, Gregory had warned her of Angelus's ways. It would not do to distress her Sire, she would face humiliating torture if the word got back to London that she had displeased the great Angelus. That would indeed place shame upon her family, not to mention that they needed to remain in his favour for their own protection.

" I've spent a year cultivating this accent only for you to tell me that I cannot speak to him... why all this preparation if I'm not even allowed to open my mouth. Cordy was rather vocal don't you think her silence would be considered rather suspicious " okay she couldn't help it she may have stepped over the boundary, but he was asking for it. One tiny slip up and he was being a beast about everything.

Gunn bravely stepped in between the argument " Can we stop with the pissing match " Cordelia gave him an 'eww!' expression while Angelus transferred his scowl to the man who dared interfere.

Gunn threw his hands up in defence " Hey I was just saying what everybody else was thinking, besides Xander might have misplaced something, walk back into the middle you two bitch slapping each other....then what, I'm only saving face "

Cordy and Angelus both glanced toward the entrance to the hotel. Gunn was grinning at them " I said he might... "  Gunn scratched irritably at his left arm " Could I possibly get rid of this thing, cos its driving me crazy " and he slammed his arm against the wall for emphasis, the 'thwack!!' as it struck the plaster was an awful empty tone. " Its like some phantom attached to my shoulder and the feel of the rubber gives me the creeps, I wake up to something touching my ass and its this... " he holds up the arm in front of his face, an involuntary shiver coursing down his spine.

" No, there can't be any variations from what he remembers, its important that he thinks of his world as unchanged...he'll be back here I predict before daybreak, I think you can hold out until then ... " Angelus waited for Gunn to except this, he would not get any lip back from the man. He was being paid a large sum of money and Angelus was sure he didn't want to sabotage the substantial wind fall coming his way. 

" If he comes back... " Cordy whispered.

" Xander will be here " Angelus roared " I will not have you... " Wesley interrupted the rest of his speech by sliding into his personal space and purring gently in his ear, cool hands ghosting under his shirt to splay themselves across his chest. " Calm down Angel...he'll be here " Angelus took a deep unneeded breath and drew his mate closer to him, soothing his own doubts about Xander returning.

" You know what almost fucked this whole thing up ? " Gunn paced, it bugged him to see Wesley with Angelus, he'd hoped to have the man for himself.

" What ? " Angelus whispered, he was busily nuzzling into Wes's neck, licking gently over  the scar left by his fangs. Wesley arched his body into the wet caress, moaning in the back of his throat.

" Its this Connor, who the hell is Connor...because I must have been absent the day we were informed about him " Gunn seethed, tearing his eyes away from the sight of those two.

From out of the shadows stepped Xander

" Ahh...that would kinda be my fault... "

Angelus's head whipped around to face Xander, Wesley's groan of loss almost drowning out his next words. " Xan, you have to stay upstairs...if he walked in "

" Yes I know " Xander cut in " but its my fault...don't you want to know who Connor is, was ? "

" Later " Angelus replied

" Fine " Xander's eyes flashed gold for a moment, before he turned and stormed up the stairs " I'll just hide in your room to you shout the all clear shall I " he shouted petulantly down to Angelus, disappearing from view before the vampire could answer him.

............................................................................................................................................................................................

 Part Twenty-eight b)

Xander had no idea where he was going, or why he was so fucking upset. Okay...no. He did know why he was upset...he was hurting. Not so much that Spike was having sex with Buffy, although that destroyed all the hope he had left. No it was this world, his world where nothing appeared to have changed...except him. Because he had 'changed' and that wasn't something that could be undone.

So much had happened to him in the course of a week. Starting with his ditching of Anya on their wedding day and the journey of finding a kind of peace he had been searching for, as sappy as that sounded. Feeling complete in a way he never had and okay he was channelling his feminine side again, but it was how he felt. Then as if that wasn't enough, he had been dragged kicking through a portal to end up with Angelus and Spike...

Why the hell wasn't the world how he wanted, why if Spike had said he 'loved him', why wasn't he loving him right now.

The tears that Xander had shed came quickly. Now he wandered, lost but not, tired but restless, confused but mostly heart broken. The remnants of his tears dried on his cheek, their salty residue making his skin tight, making him irritable and angry.

He was in love and it's not like he hadn't fallen before...yada, yada, yada it never exactly worked out well for him, love and all that. Love was so damn elusive...he could never quite keep a firm grasp on it. His hands curled into tight fists, clutching at air... with nothing . 

Maybe it was just lust and he was moping like some tragic drama queen around the streets of Sunnydale for no reason. Spike was male like him and he couldn't possibly have feelings for him.What the hell had that got to do with anything?. He'd been attracted to everyone of Buffy's boyfriends and not to mention a good third of the football team in Highschool. Spike being male had nothing to do with it other than being his first. The first time he'd acted on the attraction he'd buried deep for so damn long.  

How ironic that he should lift his head and find himself outside his old Highschool, where he'd been offered to Spike as a snack by Angel.

Floodlights lit the entrance but it was the darkened steps that beckoned to him, the night itself that whispered across his bare arms. The concrete underneath him was freezing, numbing his butt... it was perfect for it matched his anaesthetized heart. Nothing would damn well touch him anymore.

A cold bony hand connected to equally cool slim fingers, clamped down hard on his shoulder.

Okay...he was wrong, apparently he could still be touched.

Xander swore under his breath and leaped up, tearing his shirt in the process of getting away.

Another vampire jumped out in front of him and he just managed to swerve back a step, narrowly missing the vampires fist. Okay it may have been the same vampire, they were pretty light on their feet.

'Stupid Xander out here alone and not a handy sliver of wood to be found, not even a damn toothpick, fuck it, he'd face his fate like a man'. Squaring his shoulders Xander began to bounce around the vamp like hopped up prize fighter. The vampire in turn blinked furiously, craning his neck to gaze at him in wide-eyed terror. Upon recognition he dropped the gameface from his repertoire and quickly backed away mumbling " I'm sorry Xander, I didn't know it was you, I would never have...oh god I'm so sorry " and the fledgling ran like the devil himself was after him.

Xander stepped forward to follow then rocked back on his heels frowning " Huh? What, what on earth...? "

" Xan..." Willow materializes out of thin air from around a corner of the building, she immediately breaks into a run, shouting his name in a gasping breathless manner, as if she had been hunting for him everywhere. " Oh my god, Xander...are you okay? you shouldn't be walking around here alone at night with no protection "  she grabbed hold of his shoulder as her breathing gradually returned to normal.

Willow looked up into Xander's face, he could see her eyes were red and puffy, like she had been crying. Instantly his hands grabbed hers, threading his fingers with Willow's he drew her toward him. Hugging her tightly he whispered into her hair      " I'm sorry, so sorry...I didn't think ". She closed her eyes, letting that concern for her wash through her. The spell that had made her eyes all puffy had been a last minute prop she had thrown in to make her role seem more believable, but now she found her eyes watering for real, she was touched that this man was so worried about her. It saddened her for a moment to think she had lost out on this, to know this man...but then she did love her life, being a vengeance demon, hurting the wicked well that was not a lifestyle to sniff about.

Stepping back out of his embrace she obliterated the tears with the back of her hand. Channeling the anger she had for slipping up and parading her sappiness for all lower demons to witness, directing it into outrage that he would take off, by himself, at night amongst demons " You could have been killed... " she growled.

Xander sighed heavily, his shoulders slumping forward " I should have known better...I wasn't thinking, I was..." he remembered what had just happened " Did you see a vampire before, he ran off in the direction you came from ?"

Willow shook her head " No, no vampire...why? " fuck if some stupid fledgling had screwed this up. " What happened, did he attack you? " her eyes were darting around the dark seeking out possible trouble, nothing, there was no demons close by.

Xander seemed to space out, he eventually answered her " No...no nothing like that he apologized, like he knew me, he was afraid of me " Xander broke into laughter, a bitter amusement " Imagine a vampire being scared of me " he shook his head sadly " Nevermind...whatever, maybe he just picked up on something that happened to me when I was with Spike... maybe...whatever " he whispered, flinching when Willow stroked his arm in comfort. He smiled at her...but it was not a happy smile, it did not touch the deep ache that consumed him.

" Spike, what happened with Spike, did he hurt you ? " her innocent wide eyes transformed into slits, fury rolled off her in heated waves. Grabbing and squeezing her hand " I'll be okay Will's, I just need some time " he tried to reassure her, but even he was not convinced. 

" I thought you ran because of Buffy, but then you would have just screamed at her for being a fool and tried to stake Spike. It wasn't Buffy at all, it was him, Spike, he hurt you by sleeping with Buffy ? "

Xander couldn't look her in the eye, what she must think of him now, knowing he has feelings for something evil, a demon, one that had attempted to slaughter them many times. " Yes...I'm so sorry. I care about him and he did hurt me but... " he choked but there were no tears left. Willow threw her arms around him, hugging him tightly to her. " I'm so sorry, it's me who should be sorry, I should have just let you tell me on your own " she lifted her head from his shoulder, using her index finger to stab him in the chest. " Hey, no... you should have told me you felt this way about him, I'm your best friend, we used to tell each other everything." 

He shrugged " I know " he whispered

" Does he know, did you, are you together, were you sleeping with him, had you been..." she stumbled over her words and Xander had to grin at that. " Its complicated, we had sex but him hurting me with Buffy...I don't think it's intentional, I just thought... "

Willow threw up her hands " What ?...you thought what ? How could he have not meant to hurt you " she stopped and frowned. " Unless you had one of those open relationships where you can have other partners... " she shook her head. " No, that so doesn't sound like something you would do willingly, Xan " he tried to intervene but she continued. " Did he force you, threaten you with exposure, bribe you into keeping quiet while he had his sick little liaison with the slayer... " he finally gripped her by the shoulders and shook her gently. " Calm down Will's it wasn't like that, let me explain okay? "

" Okay " she answered, suspicion still reflected in her eyes. " Can we walk and talk because You know not the safest place to chat " not to mention it was the school, hello people did anyone tweak onto that, lucky the man was so hopelessly attuned to his own pain he wasn't that aware of his surroundings.

" Alright " Xander answered and he followed her lead as she crossed the street, matching her pace as they continued on towards the centre of town " You think a relationship with Spike is sickening ? " Xander blurted out. He swallowed past the lump in his throat, the one that had formed because he just knew she was going to tell him yes, but he needed to know for sure.

She glanced at him then turned to stare down the street in front of them " Uh no, not exactly I like Spike...I guess its just the the whole casual relationship thing, you know not committing to someone completely, it smacks of disrespect...I'm an old fashioned gal I guess "

Xander gave her a strange look, fuck she'd blathered on too much and said something downright stupid. She gave him one of her 'as innocent as the purely driven slush' grins, that she had been practicing for months...hoping to hell he just thought she had been making a very bad joke. She almost sighed in relief when he started to laugh... that had been a 'close one'.

" My god you had me going there for a moment " he smiled briefly before it vanished from his face, he sighed " So you don't hate me then ? "

Willow nudged his arm with her shoulder " As if I could ever hate you Xan, friends, friends for life " Xander swallowed       " Yep...for life Will, love you always ". She grinned over at him before returning to her quiet contemplation of the night.      " Love you too...always. Even if you did steal my Barbie " she quirked an eyebrow at him, Xander grinned at her...they continued to walk on in silence for awhile.

" So are you going to tell me anytime soon about your relationship with Spike, when it happened, because I can't believe I didn't see that... "

Xander blinked, he had seriously spaced out there for a moment, the past assaulted him, patrolling the streets of the Hellmouth with the gang, but he was baffled as to where he was. He thought he knew every street, every alley way...but this, this was not jogging any memories. He shook off the uneasy feeling and concentrated on what Willow was asking of him.   

" Huh? " he said helplessly.

Willow grinned affectionately at his confused expression. She had to step up the plan...she was pretty sure he was becoming suspicious of his environment.

" Spike...when did you start something with him? Because it bothers me that I didn't see anything, I had no idea..."

Xander felt the pain that was so brutally displayed over her features, like a physical blow it produced angry welts on his heart. Willow was too good to him, she had forgiven him for ditching her and she was here, comforting him and he was so scared he'd lost her, but like a miracle she remained the same, ever faithful...he simply didn't deserve her love.

" Through the portal that Holtz dragged me through... " he told her.

" Wait a minute, I thought Angel said you had been taken to some kind of a hell dimension " she frowned.

Xander shook his head vigorously " Not unless you consider London in 1882 ...Hell " he stated.

She gasped " You were pulled back in time ? " she asked incredulously.

" Yes and apparently Holtz couldn't even get that right because he ended up hundred years too late...we arrived and a few moments later there was Angelus stepping out of the shadows, encircling us was Darla and Drusilla, Spike..."

Willow stepped closer, her eyes comically wide with shock " Oh my god Xander, how on earth did you manage to escape? "

He stared at her " I didn't " he replied quietly. Xander's gaze dropped to the pavement as that first encounter with Spike replayed in his head, of the vampire chasing him down an alley, of being struck on the back of the head and passing out, waking inside Spikes lair, the way that firelight had danced upon his naked skin, of temptation, of things he would never have again.

Xander suddenly grabbed both her hands, squeezing them tightly " Will I need to go back, back there to be with him...I ...I don't know where I' am without him " he was desperate, this seemed the only solution...to not have Spike was unbearable.

Willow searched his face " Am I hearing you right...you want to go back to the past, live in the nineteenth century with Spike and Angelus..?" she could see he was serious " You want this ? "

"Yes " he breathed, his shoulders slumped " but that would mean I'd possibly never see you again... " Willow nodded sadly.  " You're miserable Xander...I can see that. At least I'd know that my best friend was happy...but Angelus, Spike, these are evil demons Xander, the chances of you...  "

" I know...I know why you fear for my life but Angelus...back then " and he waved his hand as if indicating the past " He just wasn't like the sick bastard we met in Highschool, I can't explain it, I don't know why and I should fear him because he is a killer and I read those watcher books in Wesley's cupboard, I know they rampaged across Europe and slaughtered everything in their path...but I love him Willow and maybe I'm sealing my own fate but I need to do this."

Xander let his hands drop to his sides, his eyes pleaded with her to understand. " I love Spike...the man he was back then, two years turned and nothing like the cynical, sadistic vampire we know today. Please be okay about this...I need you to be, please don't hate me for this "

Her brow knitted and she appeared to be quite furious " Oh. my. god. Xander how could you ever think that I would ever hate you...its just not possible "   

Xander smiled and for the first time since he walked in on Spike boning Buffy it was genuine, he felt hopeful. He would travel back to...  Xander's grin vanished " Angel...will never agree to this and even if there was some remote chance that he would be willing to send me back, maybe he can't ...what if its not that simple " he was panicking.

" and what if it is and you are jumping to conclusions. Come on Xander, I've spoken to Angel there was no mention of the spell to conjure up the portal being a difficult casting. The only hiccup had been finding the ancient spell and the talisman in the first place " She gave him a happy smile. " I know this because it was me who found it "

" You brought me back... " he whispered

" Yes, but with a hell of a lot of help from everyone...we all had a hand in bringing you back. "

" and now I'm asking you to let me go back there, after all your hard work ...how can I be so selfish, so ungrateful. " there was an aching heaviness in his bones, his despair was bearing down upon him from all angles.

Willow pursed her lips sadly, watching as Xander struggled with his guilt. She took a moment before attempting to relieve his heavy heart. Maybe it was the 'vengeance shtick' but she wanted to make him suffer, if just for a minute.  

" Because you love and are loved in return " and she shrugged " that's rare Xander and it may only come once in your lifetime, you're allowed to be a little selfish... "

Xander had no idea what to say to that, walking in silence, a deafening silence where he started half a dozen times to say something profound, something meaningful and failed dismally.

Turning into a familiar street, the Summer's house coming into view. Xander's eyes swept over the dwelling from the virtual safety of the pavement...he wasn't going back into that house. His back was turned from Willow, she swung around and glared at a clump of bushes across the street. Damn vampire hiding in there, not like she couldn't hear Spike tracking them all the way back from the school, did he want this plan to succeed.

She spun back to find Xander staring at her quizzically. Wiping at invisible tears, she whispered the spell under her breath, instantly she could feel the tears falling from the corners of her eyes. " You have to go Xander, go be happy...I'll miss you but I'll never forgive you if you let this chance slide by..." she projected the anger into her voice. Once again she was crying and if any demon even breathed a word of this she would seek a little vengeance of her own. This teary goodbye would have best been served in the house, but oh no they couldn't secure it in time. Willow was pretty sure if he'd seen the occupants of the house tied up in the upstairs bedroom that would be one glaring fact that would not slip his radar. Anyway hopefully this would be over soon, she was needed in Montreal and it was kinda urgent. So it was the water works and sending him on his way, so far so good.

Xander was shocked, he was prepared to stay, to forget about Spike and all that had happened...but now what. Did he go?... he was suddenly distracted by movement from directly across the street. " What the hell ? " he gasped.

Willow had watched the emotions fly across Xander's face but then suddenly he wasn't looking at her anymore, his eyes were glued to something fairly horrific behind her, judging from the absence of colour in his complexion it must be really bad. She briefly closed her eyes and hoped to whatever being that granted wishes (besides herself of course) that it wasn't Spike he had spotted.

She turned around...oh goddamn it, it was worse, it was Buffy and she was peering through the bushes, pulling out handfuls of leaves. Fuck she was searching for Spike...how on earth was she going to explain this...

Xander hugged Willow quickly then opened the convertible passenger seat, he tried not to look at the Slayer as he faced his best friend " I love you Willow...but this, this is too much. I have to go, I'm going back to L.A. and beg Angel to send me back...somehow we will see each other again... Will's ? " 

Willow shook herself out of her stupor and looked slack jawed at Xander. " Yes you should go, I know this is painful and you should be with Spike... and I love you ... but you must go, go. " she wanted to scream it but she forced herself to remain calm.

He gave her a quick searching look, nodded his head and slid over behind the wheel. Starting the ignition, he pulled away from the curb and took off down the street. Willow was practically seething in the inside while her outward appearance was bathed in sadness and goodbye.

Once she had sensed he was truly gone...she marched across the street. Buffy upon seeing her tilted her head and smiled brightly at her friend " Willow, I' am damaged and I can't find Spike anywhere " she pouted " My senses tell me that he is very near here "

" Oh for fucks sake " Spike pushed himself through a camellia bush a couple of metres away from where Buffy and Willow were standing.

Willow was fuming now, she crackled with energy, her eyes flashing dangerously.

Spike flinched, sucking in his cheeks he avoided eye contact with the enraged vengeance demon " Oh don't look at me like that, not like it was my idea "

" You could have fucked up everything we worked for. All you had to do was mind her for a couple of hours at most...but no, you couldn't even do that "

Spike looked wretched " Oh god...I hurt him, I just had to see he was okay, you know. " he paced, angrily banging his fist into the side of his thigh " I just had to see him for myself " he gazed piteously into Willow's eyes. " Besides she was out to it, I thought she'd stay that way ...oh god I'm sorry " Spike looked like he was breaking apart from the inside.

Willow sighed and hoped all this pain was worth it. " He's gone now, back to Los Angeles and that was our part of the plan completed. " she turned to smile softly at her beloved toy. Buffy had frozen on her hands and knees, head between two branches...obviously the batteries had finally wound down while she had futilely searched for Spike  " At least you had the mind to bandage her head so she didn't look quite like a goddamn robot. You were lucky though, I'm only grateful that he was so distraught that the idea of facing Buffy made him leave that much quicker upon seeing her "

..............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

Part Twenty-nine a)

Cordy was thumbing through a Vogue, her stocking clad feet comfortably tucked under her bottom. She had a small pile of magazines haphazardly stacked beside her. For the umpteenth time she burst out in giggles at the absurdness of the utter rubbish printed. She couldn't quite believe that the Cordelia that Xander knew...would fawn all over every word. Again she thanked fate for giving her this life.

She arched her back against the plush circular lounge, stretching out the kinks...it had been hours just sitting here, waiting. With a sigh she relegated the hefty fashion tomb to the bottom of the pile and snatched up a trashy gossip rag that had intrigued her earlier. There was a saucy article about ' identical twin actors caught romping naked in some swanky hotel, there had been some sci-fi convention and they had seduced two male fans back to their suite...apparently their 'fun' had spilled out into the floors corridor. Fortunately for the reader their had been a tourist with a handy camera and he had taken a few snaps of the steamy event. Cordy quickly flicked through the pages looking for the.... " Oh yes..." she sighed, the pictures were fuzzy but the twins, the resemblance...amazing and she giggled, covering her mouth quickly.

Gunn was seated beside her, but as she leaned slightly in his direction she could see his eyes were closed in sleep. Thank goodness, because his constant dramatic sighs and frantic pacing had been driving her batty. Pulling the open magazine away from her chest...she gazed at the photo's once more, tilting her head to the side and bringing it closer to her face...she suddenly gasped, slapping her hand over her mouth, a huge grin breaking over her features hidden behind her fingers.

Suddenly her bitty fantasy was interrupted by something a little too real " Hey !! " she growled down at the appendage lying across her thigh. When the arm still refused to budge, she swiped at it with her fist. A second later Charles Gunn woke up with a start and landed on the floor. Instantly he glared up at Cordy, rubbing his aching butt, as it had connected with a staple protruding from one of her magazines " What...in the hell was that about? Smack me around for no perfectly good reason and I was having the most amazing dream about some gorgeous babe who was..."

" Your wandering hand " she cut in striking him on the head with the magazine she had been clutching " that, that thing was on my leg " she may be a demon, but that rubber monstrosity gave her the willies.

Gunn shut his eyes " Sorry..." his hand encircled the wrist of his artificial limb...as if the cursed entity had a will of its own and he could hold it at bay with his one good arm. Impossibly silly thought ...then again there were stranger oddities in this world, maybe it was possessed and it had a yearning for Cordy. Ahh the shame, could anything be worse? Apparently so, because right now that he was awake again and there was no way he was going to get anymore sleep, he was right back to where he started...bored out of his ever-loving mind. 

" I can't stand all this waiting when..." he glanced up the stairs " never mind, give me one of your magazines " and he snatched one from the stack before she could  answer him. Cordy stared long and hard at him, it didn't take much for him to slap the magazine shut and look at her " What ? " he snarled. " Oh, for crying out loud, it's not like this whole sham is going to come crumbling down just because I choose to read a goddamn magazine " he fumed, angrily he placed it back in the pile. " You hardly care about any of this stuff..." He waved at the magazine she had gripped against her bosom.

" Okay...yes maybe not, but I'm in character and this is a prop " giving him a tiny smile " besides it's really amusing, the things these people write about..."

Gunn interrupted " Well that's fine...so where's my prop then? "

Cordy shrugged...she felt bad, she truly did.

He was back to pacing across the lobby floor, Cordy immediately dived back into her magazine...swallowing the groan of frustration.

She had just sufficiently blanked out all thoughts of mutilation by submerging herself into the heart of a serial romance...then he had to start ranting again. She had come to the conclusion that the whole point of his tantrum was to make her as 'pissed off' as he clearly was.

" Where exactly are Wes and Angelus hiding then, shouldn't they be here...just in case he returns...? " Gunn spun accusingly toward her, like she had control over where Angelus roamed.

" I think there in the back office... not entirely sure though, not like there bound to a leash at my heel, are they?" She gritted her teeth, oh great...she was reacting, and that was exactly what he desired most.

Gunn huffed and threw himself on the floor with an exaggerated sigh. Cordy passed him a magazine in silence, his head dropped back against the seat, declining the peace offering with a shake of his head. She couldn't help but 'feel' for him, he looked so sad. Gunn closed his eyes and chose to count those pesky sheep jumping hoops through his agitated mind. 

" Hey...maybe you can dribble a basketball around the lobby... ? "

His eyes popped open and he glared hard up at her.

" Or maybe not, as that is such a cliché and damn, look at that, a Marilyn Manson makeover... "

He shook his head, shuffled his butt to get more comfortable on the floor and closed his eyes, returning to the damn sheep.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Wesley poured over demon lore, ancient texts were spread out on every available surface. Angelus had squeezed his tall frame into a rather rickety antique chair in the corner. He balanced between his thighs a weighty dossier containing a case where a hapless demon had resurrected a flawed gem of Amara, resulting in chaos of biblical proportions.

Every so often...he looked up from his reading to gaze with smoldering eyes at his pet's intense scowl. The way Wes's forehead crinkled when some tidbit of information bothered him...well, all he could say was that it was adorable. Every time it made him want to reclaim the man all over again.

The tip of Wesley's tongue flickered out to glide lightning quick across his upper lip. Angelus caught every movement as if it had played out in slow motion, frame by torturous frame. It was all he could take and he launched himself from the chair to Wesley's side in an instant. Pouncing on the man and pushing him down onto the cluttered desk. Books toppled to the floor and clouds of dust rose in their wake. Wesley attempted to look indignant at such an attack, but his grin refused to be suppressed, and then he sneezed violently, completely ruining the first kiss.

"Angel....? "  he breathed softly, arching his neck into the wet nibble of one hungry vampire.

"Mmm hmm..." he replied, really too distracted to listen. With a final hard suck of the willing flesh under him, he lifted himself off the man " You, Wesley, are such a tease " He smirked at the way his mate gifted him with his most convincing expression of 'shyness' yet. Although he wasn't fooled, this was the game they had played together from the moment they had met...it kept their relationship alive, figuratively of course.

" We really shouldn't be doing this, if he... "

Angelus broke in, giving his love one final deep kiss before stepping back. The temptation too great, he had to turn his back and force himself to walk across the room " I know " he whispered, still facing away from Wesley " I know, but you deserved that, you play me so well...how could I not reward such a beautiful performance."

Wesley blushed scarlet and they both shared a smile, before returning to their respective corners.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Gunn shot to his feet upon hearing the crash coming from the back of the lobby. His eyes connected with Cordy's, and the sad expression she bestowed upon him was all the evidence he needed. Black hatred flashed across his face. Slowly he regained his calm, shrugging he surrendered to the fact he would never have a chance with Wesley.

" I'm sorry... " 

Charles lifted his head with a start. He was unprepared, the practiced words lodged in his throat.

" Relax...it's only me "

He couldn't help it, he sighed in relief. " Thank god. " and he slumped down onto the circular lounge.

Xander graced him with a smile, inching further down the stairs, one ear trained for any noise of his younger counterpart entering the hotel.

Cordy turned to watch the entrance as well. " This is not a good idea Xander...if he saw you, that would be the end. "

Xander's gaze swept over her face registering the concern. " I know, but something isn't right... " he sighed " I can't seem to even predict myself... I made the worst mistake in not informing Angelus of Connor. "

Gunn glanced at Cordy who was fussing with the pile of magazines, as if she had a sudden obsessive need to make sure they were all uniform.

Xander laughed " I guess you couldn't miss the yelling... "

Cordy continued to pretend she hadn't heard. Gunn at least looked him in the eye and nodded. Xander promptly sat on the step above where he had been standing. " My bad and after... " Xander stopped. " Only knew you a week Gunn... never found out where your interests lied, other than demon hunting that is... "

No one of them said a word for the longest time after that, Gunn finally voiced what everyone was thinking.

" It was more then twenty four hours ago that Willow appeared and told us he'd left Sunnydale " He wiped his one good hand over his bald head " He hasn't showed up, he could be anywhere..."

" Maybe the car broke down... " Cordy whispered.

Xander nodded " Maybe..." if only he could believe that. Hopping down from the step, he took a seat on the lounge next to Cordy.

Wesley wandered out from the back offices, he appeared to have been thoroughly ravished. One look at the three amused faces and he blushed an even deeper shade of vermilion. His hands instantly flew to his shirt, tugging, smoothing his fingers over the cotton as he ironed out those darn invisible wrinkles. Wesley paused, his hand stopping mid-stroke to spin and face Xander.

" What are you doing down here... ? " his tone slipping into a panic stricken whine.

Xander sighed " Relax Wes...he's not coming " 

Unfortunately Wesley was not calmed by those words, instead he had succumbed to full panic mode. Without a pair of glasses to frantically wipe...he ended up pacing. Gunn was already taking up quite a lot of floor space of his own...Xander just hoped they didn't collide.

Then he felt it, the thrill that electrified every nerve...  the presence of his Sire.

Angelus watched from a distance, everything was falling apart, this wasn't supposed to be happening...where the hell was he?  He needed to take control of this situation, this was what he did, this was what they expected of him. Where did he go from here? Of course they had to hunt him down, get hold of Willow...she would know how to track him. How could this have disintegrated so quickly? He had ignored the signs. Damn he couldn't afford to over react like the others. Maybe they just hadn't given him enough time to reach LA. A huge array of events could have happened to prevent him from getting to the Hyperion. Oh god it would not do for him to jump to conclusions, relax, remain calm and think this out logically.

Spike burst through the front doors, tearing down the steps. He was surrounded in seconds by the others. Spike sought out Xander, his arms instantly tugging his mate to his chest tightly " He's coming, not far behind me... " his gaze never even flickered from his Childe as Angelus loomed beside him.

An acute silence that had fallen over the room " Thank goodness " Wesley breathed, spurring them all in to action.

" Upstairs...both of you, Now " Angelus growled, his tone made no room argument. He abruptly spun to face the entrance, his eyes wide " No time he's already here... " Seizing them both by the arm he propelled them violently towards the reception area.

Cordy rushed forward to intercept Xander followed closely by a relieved if not a slightly nervous Wesley...Gunn who backed them up, was just so excited to finally be doing something.

As Xander pushed open the door, he was immediately accosted by his ex. He grinned, maybe, just maybe, there was a chance for him there. Why not...it was the second time she had been enthusiastic upon seeing him. It was nice to be greeted like he was welcome, as if he was missed. There was history there, they knew each other's faults...he didn't love her but with time it was very possible, with time he could forget. He hugged her back just as tight.

~^~^~^~^~^~

Xan and Spike had been shoved behind the reception desk. They made themselves comfortable amongst the boxes of newspaper clippings...their fingers interlaced, their gaze held one another frozen, as they listened to the conversations taking place in the lobby.

Xan slid closer still, leaning to touch his lips to Spike's ear " What happened, why did he take so long to get here... ? " The reverberation of cool moist lips caressing the shell of his ear overloaded his ability to respond. It took the poke in his side for Spike to shake himself out of his stupor.

" I followed him. " He shrugged helplessly at the scowl he received " I had to, the way he left, I wasn't sure that all was going as planned. You have no idea. He stopped in this town, if you could even call it that. It didn't exist on the map. He slept in his car, spent all day in this diner, a bottomless cup of coffee at his elbow. He wasn't eating just shooting himself with caffeine. I was fucking afraid for his well-being. You..."  he stopped, bringing Xan's hand to his chest and holding it there. " He seemed so broken, I was torn, wanted so much bloody much to just go over there and tell him he was never going to be alone, but I couldn't... because I promised you I wouldn't "

Xan drew that hand to his mouth in one smooth movement, brushing a kiss across a thumb knuckle " Thank you, " he breathed, the searing heat of his love was enough to consume them both. 

~^~^~^~^~^~

Once Cordy had enough of smothering him, Wesley and Gunn had come forward and shaken his hand, clapped him on the back...finally, finally he was ushered further into the hotel. He was exhausted and needed to plant his bottom on something that was preferably warm and comfortable...he wasn't planning on moving for a long while.

Seating himself on the circular lounge, he looked up into all their curious faces. He smiled at them. " Well, I'm back " Seeking out Angel " I hope that's okay...you did say I was welcome right? "

Angelus listened to the quickening of Xander's heartbeat, the scent of 'anxiety' pouring out of his skin, not to mention the slightly pleading look reflected in his eyes. As if he would ever just send him back to Sunnydale. " Yes Xander...you are welcome here "

Xander grinned "great " he dragged a hand through his hair, he was a disheveled mess and probably didn't smell too fresh either...especially to a vampire " Your car's outside, not a scratch on it, although it will need some gas... " He shrugged innocently " Road trip " as if that was a suitable explanation. " Deduct it from my pay check, " humour sparkled in his eyes.

" You get paid? " Cordy deadpanned.

~^~^~^~^~^~

Xan easily tugged Spike closer, his false breath ghosting across his cheek " I missed you, " he whispered, against those lips. Soon it would be over and they would have start from the beginning, but that was okay, as long as he had Spike by his side he would happily do this forever.

Spike smirked, rubbing his open lips across Xander's own. This was perfection, the thought of losing this was devastating " I was only gone a day " Xander ran his tongue between those parted lips till they were glossy " Can I be hopelessly sappy and say that even 'one day' without you is agony? " Spike nuzzled his face into Xan's, reveling in his childe's scent. In his head he screamed 'yes, never stop saying it'. 

~^~^~^~^~^~

" Did everything work out in Sunnydale, everyone's okay there? " Angelus offered, honestly he had no idea what to say...anything to get the boy that much closer to begging him to be sent back. He managed to signal Cordy to move so that he could seat himself next to Xander. Looming over him like some oppressive father figure would not have the boy coming to him for anything. He had to appear approachable if he wanted Xander to talk to him. At the moment though he drew the line at cuddling, that would be left as a last resort only.

Xander's mask of slipped and an expression carved in granite stole over his features. " Yep, all's right with the world. I went back to mend my relationship with Willow and we're good and the rest " he hesitated, his eyes flickering to his feet " that is something I cannot have." like a small kernel of smoldering embers igniting in his belly, he had reached a decision " I'd like to be a part of 'Angel Investigations' and feel useful again. All of you welcomed me in, when I needed to belong, to connect...so I'd like to stay on here. Angel I know we haven't exactly been friends, but I'd like to start fresh, if that's okay with you ? "  his arms slumped to his side while he waited with trepidation for an answer.

Angelus wasn't prepared for this, neither was anyone else. They all faced Xander but none could think of an answer.

~^~^~^~^~^~

Xan was sure he was going into shock, surely he'd heard wrong, this was not happening. Before it even registered in his brain he had slipped quietly to his feet. Not even the futile tugging of Spike on his arm, had stopped him from facing his former self. 

Xander shot out of the chair...on unsteady feet, he teetered backwards. Eyes wide in fear, he stood on that tiny precipice between wanting to run and curiosity that demanded he stay and find out " What the hell was going on? " 

............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

Part Twenty-nine b)

For the longest time he couldn't drag his eyes from the man standing before him. He was partially hidden behind the reception desk, but if his expression was anything to go by, he appeared as unsettled by 'all this' as he felt. Finally he pried his eyes from his double and trained them on Angelus instead. Immediately he noted that although the vampire looked ruffled by the sudden appearance of another 'him', he did not appear surprised, more annoyed. Xander backed away from Angelus and the other's...because none of them looked  at all surprised and that was freaking him out.

Xan could see that his younger self was slowly backing away from them, he wasn't stupid, he obviously knew something was up and that all of them were involved in whatever danger his brain had conjured up. Carefully stepping out from behind the reception area, he moved towards Xander.

Xander swung his attention back to the man who was his twin. Xan stopped creeping towards him as he heard the elevated heart beat " You're quite safe here Xander, I'm sorry...I realize that you're confused, please just let me explain ? "

Xander froze, unsure of where he'd run, even if he could manage to escape. He was intrigued, this reminded him of the time he was split in half by the demon Toth... except this didn't feel the same.

" Sit " Xan commanded " Please... " he added as an afterthought, indicating the circular lounge he had been sitting on only a moment ago.  

Xander remained standing.

Xan sighed " Okay, I understand you don't trust me, I don't blame you...all those years living on the Hellmouth. Your me...or is it I'm you, whatever I understand. I'll just have to explain with you standing up " he turned towards Angelus " I need to do this alone " he pleaded for the vampire not to argue with his wishes.

Gunn interrupted " Hang on, so if this whole thing is a bust " he grinned " Than I can leave? " he addressed Xan and Angelus both.

" Yes...you can go " Xan answered before Angelus could. He was relieved that Gunn was leaving, what he had to say next relied heavily on him not being within earshot.

" Okay then ...well its been swell'n'all but I'll just collect my money and go " he waited for Angelus to pay him. The vampire eyed Xander, who in turn gave him a look that begged him to just pay the man and let him leave. Without a single word passing between them Angelus stood down...for now...later he would get the full story. 

" Follow me " he snapped at Gunn and without waiting to see if the man was even following him, he turned on his heel and headed for the back office. Gunn rose an eyebrow at the vampire's retreating back, waving cheekily at the other's he headed after Angelus.

Xan waited till the man had disappeared from view before turning to face Cordy. " You want me to leave also...? " she blurted out before he could say the words. Xan nodded. " Okay then... I'll go find a phone, get Gregory to book my flight back... since I'm not needed here. " Cordy headed up the stairs, not waiting for his reply. She turned back upon reaching the fourth step. " I can't believe all this work has come to nothing, I mean this accent alone... " she gazed down at them, flickering sad eyes over Xander " I'm sorry that we never met, I think we could have been...friends. " With a frown she swung around, back to them... annoyed at herself for being so upset that she raced up the rest of the stairs. Wesley watched as Cordy disappeared from view before turning to look forlornly at the two Xander's " I'll leave you two alone " he stated simply and instead of going to Angelus he too pounded up the stairs. 

Xander was very confused...the need to flee wasn't as urgent, certainly not as much a priority as knowing what was going on. Curiosity would be death of him and so against his better judgment he sat down next to...well... himself.

Xan grinned at the boy who had finally decided to sit next to him. He tried to keep the wolf like smirk off his face at the small amount of trust that had been bestowed upon him.

" I don't know how much of what I'm going to tell you will make sense to you. Please just hear me out...alright? "

Xander nodded in return.

" When you were sent into the past by Holtz, you changed more than you ever conceived..."

Xander found himself nodding again. Shaking his head vigorously at the fact that not only was he utterly transfixed by his doppelgangers voice, but he was also leaning into the man's personal space...with a tiny gasp he straightened. Xander shuffled away from those incredibly hypnotic eyes. He had just realized how familiar that feeling was... of 'being controlled, of blindly following without question. This was some kind of a thrall, similar, yet different from the one Dracula had spun around him.

Before he could second guess any possible danger, he had reached across to grasp Xan's wrist in a firm grip, his thumb pressing firmly into the back of his hand.

Xan allowed the human to touch him, he had to find out sometime...now was as good a time as any. He was ready for the disgust, the fear and Xander did not disappoint.

Xander recoiled at the cool flesh under his fingers, dropping the hand he backed away from the vampire seated... so damn calmly beside him. He was the walking dead, an evil fiend...it was every nightmare he had ever had since the day Buffy slinked into his life. To say he was shocked would have been nothing but gross negligence. Xander found that he was panting hard... precariously balanced on the edge of the lounge. Held in limbo between desire to know the whole truth and an inborn need to hide...survive.

" I'm not going to attack you Xander, you and I are the same person " he needed to get through to the boy.

" We aren't the same...you're a vampire " Xander muttered, his fear was impregnated in every word.

" Yes " he watched as Xander flinched at the confirmation of what he had already guessed. " Will you let me continue...? "

Xander didn't move, every muscle was still tense, rigid, ready to make an escape if needed.

Xan sighed, he had no choice but to continue. " You never came back Xander, you stayed with Spike, Angelus..." he waited while this information to sunk in. Xander squirmed, his gaze skirting over every object, a chair, the intricate patterns caused by the play of light and shadow against the walls...finally returning to the man, the demon.

He frowned "But I 'am here. What are you talking about? "

Xan smiled " Yes...but it's 'we' that brought you back. ".

Xander's face only scrunched up more...what was it with vampires and being so damn cryptic. .

" We opened a portal to the past and Angelus brought you back here... "

" And this is the year two thousand and one..." He was finally understanding, or beginning to at least.

" Yes, but not as you remember, you changed the future...even your own "

" Angelus...that was him, he... " Xander had no words to describe this. It was like being miscast in some old sixties science fiction schlock-fest and not being informed about the script...like living a rerun of the Twilight Zone. " He never got a soul because I told him about the gypsy curse? "

" Yes...that's right, you did... I did " damn it was confusing, talking to himself in the third person. " It changed everything. One tiny shift has rearranged the entire world, but it wasn't one thing, you told them many things... "

Xander couldn't sit a second longer, jumping to his feet his first desire was just to leave, walk away, but it wasn't in him to do that. If this was indeed true...then what of Willow, Buffy, Anya, his family, school, all those crappy jobs he had wasted his life in. He shook his head " I was just in Sunnydale...I talked to Willow, I saw Buffy. " clenching and unclenching his fists, emotions swirled around in his head, nothing he could grasp, it eluded him...shouldn't he be feeling something. It was madness.

" Yes you talked to Willow, Buffy...but they weren't who you thought. We've planned for nearly a year to bring you back, so that you could say goodbye to your old life, make peace with the things that haunted you. I fabricated this world that you would immediately recognize...feel comfortable in, surroundings that were familiar, non-threatening..."

" I don't understand... " He gasped when Xan moved, lunged.

Before Xander could even blink, Xan was there, in his personal space, hands on his shoulders, holding him still, their eyes locked. " This..." he whispered, the cold breath made Xander's skin crawl, an involuntary shiver snaked down his spine.

" This hotel, the headquarters of 'Angel Investigations' there is no such business. Cordelia, she's a vampire like me. Her parents moved to England when she was eight years old. Her fathers business dealings sealed the fate of his daughter. It was only the fact that a vampire by the name of Gregory, who's very existence belongs to Angelus. He was groomed to protect Cordy, not to interfere...he took it into himself to turn her as she lay in a pool of her own blood. She had been executed because her father had failed to pay his substantial debt. After she rose...she took extreme pleasure in slaughtering her parents and the men who murdered her. "

Xan shifted, his grip never letting up.

" Wesley...he was the most promising scholar at the 'watchers counsel'. As he trained, we watched him bloom. I sold Angelus on Wesley from the beginning. We guided his life from the moment he was born, no one harmed him, not his brute of a father, nor a single student ever defiled him. As I'd hoped, Angelus fell in love with the young watcher. When we felt his education was sufficient...we extracted him from the womb of 'the council'. We taught him of 'our world' and he attached himself to Angelus with a fever...they are inseparable. "

" Gunn... " Xan let his hands slip from Xander's shoulders. His younger self flinched back, scrambling along the seat till he was out of immediate reach, he was hyperventilating, warning bells screaming in his head. He had to know, the words poured out of him.

" Willow...what of Willow? "

" Willow is a Vengeance Demon, her friend Jesse, once your friend as well as I recall. Again they were under our protection, minions trained to dog their every movement, kept us informed on whatever mischief the two troublemakers got themselves into. Willow was smart, it didn't take her long to figure out she was being watched. They were lovers those two, pregnant when she was only sixteen...they both dabbled in the black arts. Had planned to sacrifice their unborn child to a Lobesh Demon for untold riches...but this was before Willow realized that vampires were protecting them. She had always fended for herself her entire life, she would not allow anyone to control her destiny. Both Jessie and herself trapped and burnt every last minion I sired, unfortunately Jesse was also killed in the attack. She lost the baby in her despair and spent the following year hunting our trail...any man, human or demon who crossed her path ended up dead. It was Spike who called in a favour with D'hoffryn to offer her a position as a vengeance demon, she of course didn't hesitate to take up the job."

" Oh my god...where was Buffy in all of this? "

" The Buffy you saw with Spike...that was a robot. The real Buffy died a long time ago, before she even made it to Sunnydale."

" There must have been a Slayer ?"

" You mean...Faith?"

Xander nodded.

" Yes she existed, but Wesley killed her when she went after Angelus...she had not expected a human to be the one to end her life "

" I don't want to know anymore " His heart was beating wildly, all Xander knew was that he had done all this. " If this is all true and I've created this alternate world, why?. Say I believe you...why would you bring me back? Why on earth...what reason, why tell me all of this ? Are you gloating...what possible reason..."

Xan couldn't face his younger self, the disgust on Xander's face. The boy, the human didn't need to say a word, all of the shame, the fear of what he was to become...it was all there. Was he gloating...no, he was explaining... " You asked me to tell you..."  he seethed, anger slammed into him.

" Why am I here? " he squeaked. Xander shrank back at the cold malevolent stare from his older self. 

" You were supposed to go back " he roared, he was losing his cool. " I don't even know if we can exist together, you've never been here this long... " he muttered.

Xander could taste the danger, living on the Hellmouth...he wasn't a fool he knew when it was time to run like hell.

" You've always, always gone back and ... " 

Xan whirled on Xander, picking him up by the lapel and pushing him backwards across the floor. " Why did you choose to stay? " he demanded, slamming Xander back into the wall. " Why this time...? "

As if he'd been in a trance and woken up not knowing what he'd done. Xan instantly let go of Xander, wiping his hands desperately on his trousers, he took one step back from the terror in the boys eyes. Xan froze, he was listening, his head darted from one angle, changing to another as if nervous, suspicious.  " This has to mean something, you not asking to go back..."

Xander eased away from the wall " What do you mean... this time ? "

" Yes, what do you mean by 'this time' luv ? ". Spike slunk out from behind the reception area.

" Spike " breathed Xander.

" Spike " purred Xan, his Sires presence instantly calmed him.

" That's some echo..." Spike laughed but his tone quickly turned serious " What's 'this time' ? You talk as if this has happened before? " He could see that his childe was holding back vital information from him.

" You know about the nightmares, phantoms from my past infiltrating my every waking moment, always taunting me, muttering in my ear... " he stepped back from the comfort of Spike's arms. He needed space to tell him the truth.

" Yes of course. " Spike tried to draw near, but to his distress Xan kept moving away from him " I lived them too, you told me that you wanted us to find a way to get your former self back and we did, he's here... " Spike's eyes flickered over to Xander.

Xander stood apart from them, his arms hugged his body so tightly...knowing if he let go, he might crumble into nothing.

" Yes I know. You love me..." he whispered " But this is not the first time, its not even the tenth time. I've lost count, I've lived this life over and over and over, it never stops..." his voice cracked under the strain, finally he would tell Spike everything.

" At the beginning, when the nightmares first began, they were fragmented, like a puzzle with pieces lost...I pushed them aside as if they were inconsequential " he carefully stepped around the terrified Xander, avoiding Spike he sat back down on the circular lounge that dominated the Hyperion's ground floor. Tucking his knees into his chest he continued. " Gradually the nightmares became more insistent as all the segments slotted into place " he gazed up at the man he loved, imploring him to understand. " They mainly consisted of my death at the hands of someone we know. I tried to change things but the visions still persisted. I'm not ready to die, to be without you... " his eyes held Spike motionless. " So I cheated death, found this spell to open a portal into the past. Told you I needed to atone for leaving my friends. Persuaded you and Angelus, that if I got to 'say goodbye', this would complete the circle, I could go on, I'd be forgiven." Xan rocked slightly, hugging his legs closer to his body. Although as a vampire he was used to the chill of his own body...the cold, for the first time seemed to seep in to his veins, drill mercilessly into his bones. He shivered violently as the iciness closed over him. Something was coming.

" To make sure he went back to LA, you had to convince him that he meant nothing to you...and you made him believe he was less than nothing. Every time he has gone back to LA, begged for Angelus to send him back, to be with you Spike. "

Spike couldn't trust any word that might come out of Xan's mouth right now, not when his emotions were trembling over the surface of his skin. To his rescue, Xander asked the one burning question " Every time... I've gone back ? "

" Yes..." he whispered, so softly it compelled Xander to move closer. Xan nodded as if his answer had not been enough. Finally he realized he hadn't explained to them everything. " Along with the insight of my own death, came the knowledge that I had brought you back many times...its as if I'm being forced to play out the same steps, like some twisted game with no ending and no way out. Some cosmic joke to amuse a gaggle of restless higher beings...perhaps I'm a source of entertainment, to watch me run around trying desperately to change something that cannot be undone." Xan ceased rocking, he held his hand out to Spike...pleading.

Spike couldn't move towards him.

Xan dropped his hand... his eyes slid shut. " I was selfish, I risked everyone's future just because I could not let you go. I haven't had my fill of you, I don't think I ever will. I'll always want you, need you...love you." his voice broke but he absolutely refused to cry, damn it. 

Spike was torn...he wasn't about to stop loving his Xan, but at the moment he couldn't reach out to him, not to comfit him, not this soon after he found out that he had been lied too. Instead it was Xander, the kid from Sunnydale that sat down next to his Xan, his arms threading around his sobbing childe. Xan who sheltered his breaking heart into Xander's warm chest, ensnaring as much pity and solace that was on offer.

Angelus stood in the doorway that led to the back offices. His nails bit harshly into the wooden architrave. The paint cracked, sharp splinters dug under his fingernails. He concentrated on the pain as it distracted him from reeking havoc.  Xan had lied to both of them...he had called in every favour to make this illusion enough of a reality to fool the young human. Xan was family...he owed them the truth always.

Pushing away from the door Angelus made his presence known to the others " Who is it ? The one who will kill you...? "

Xan lifted his head from Xander's chest, smiling at the boy he ran the tip of one finger across that warm cheek, brushing his thumb across those full red lips before standing and confronting Angelus.

" Where is Gunn ? " he asked.

Angelus squinted " He's gone, left via the sewage tunnels...why? " His head tilted to the side. " Gunn ? Are you sure ? "

Xan nodded " I'm very sure...I've lived it enough times to know its him. "

...............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

Part Thirty

Suddenly laughter rang out from behind Angelus, he whirled around to face the intruder and was struck in the chest by a sliver of live electricity. The force of the blow threw him against the wall. Immediately the shard of pulsing light began to multiply and shatter, sending hundreds of tiny lightning bolts all over his body. Twisting around his torso, snaking up his thigh, circling his neck...holding him in place.

Gunn stepped around the corner, facing Angelus. He grinned up at the restrained vampire, making sure he gave him a wide berth...it would not do to get too cocky at this juncture. Angelus struggled, gameface falling into place as he growled at Gunn's audacity. The man in turn flinched, laughing, if not a little nervously. Although he trusted the demon who imbued him with certain powers...it was Angelus's strength he wasn't certain about. The vampire had the canny ability of getting himself out of sticky situations with a little too much ease for his liking.

" You should be flattered Angelus, your strength and skill is a bit more than my compadres can handle "

Angelus snarled " What makes you think you can take on any of my family? " Gunn continued to smile, much to his utter annoyance.

" In your incapacitated state...feel I've sufficiently wiped out their chances of surviving. See with you so tied up at the moment, the odds are what I consider, more balanced. " and with that said, approximately twenty of Gunn's friends entered the lobby.

" Shit..." hissed Spike. He watched as the humans quickly spread out in a semi-circle, flanking one another...this was a planned attack. Each man was well equipped with an assortment of knives, swords, stakes and crossbows... a virtual arsenal. Spike wondered if this was the vision that Xan had mentioned. Out of the corner of his eye he could see the vampire drag Xander behind his back and then push him subtly towards the stairs and hopefully safety.

Xander took the hint and moved up the stairs.    

Both Sire and Childe reached for each others hand at the same moment, smiling at each other as their fingers linked together, one squeeze and they let go. Both lunged at incredible speed towards the humans making their way across to them. It was furious and violent, five men were permanently down in a matter of minutes. Angelus stopped wrestling with the fine threads holding him at bay...he couldn't help but be proud at the way Spike and Xan fought. They knew each other so well that it was instinctive, they moved as one...carving a path through the enemy with such precision, it was achingly beautiful to watch.

Spike was set upon by three men who seemed to take offense to him killing their friends. Usually there was a grace, an art to hand to hand combat, but these guys were letting their anger fuel them. They were a tidal wave of kicks, punches and usually he loved to be in the thick of some nasty battle, spread a little bloodshed...but this madness triggered warning bells in his head. He couldn't help thinking that he was being purposely distracted. Spike dared take his eyes off the suicidal trio for a moment...he had to see how Xan was fairing.

To his horror Xan was surrounded by six heavily armored men who were circling him, keeping him occupied but not attempting to harm him. Spike reeled backwards in agony as an axe embedded in his shoulder, lurching sideways to avoid another swing from the implement coated in his blood. Using the momentum to strike hard and the bloodlust to enrage the demon, he slammed his fist through the man's face...the human crashed to the floor, very dead.

The other two who were attacking Spike were joined by three others and the odds were getting ridiculous...it had been a longtime since he had felt real fear for his continued existence.

" Hold them still " Gunn yelled from the top of the stairs. Instantly Xan and Spike were restrained by the humans, still Spike managed to break free momentarily and snap one of the mens necks before he found himself clamped in iron manacles.

As Spike had feared, Gunn had his arm around the waist of one Xander Harris. His right arm held a curved blade to the boys throat.

Xander was being roughly pushed down the stairs and every time he tried to escape, the gleaming edge of the knife came that much closer. He had hoped to be rescued, but upon seeing the three vampires in a similar position...he had to admit defeat.

Reaching the landing, Gunn spun Xander to face him. He grinned as he thrust himself against the boys body, enjoying the flicker of fear in his eyes. Tapping the tip of the knife against Xander's chin, his other hand ruthlessly squeezed the boys ass. Xander tried to twist away from the exploring hand, Gunn growled, sliding the flat of the blade against those gorgeous ruby lips. " Uh uh uh...no moving, you are quite the tempting morsel, wouldn't want to damage that pretty face... " He laughed at the trio of growls that floated up from the main floor.

" Calm down boys I have something to say... "

Gunn took a step back, his eyes fixed on Xander. " Don't even think about moving. " He raised the blade till it pointed directly at Xander's chest " You'd be dead before you hit the lobby floor. " Gunn shifted his gaze to that of the vampires below and smirked at them. Xan fought with his captors, sinking his fangs into the throat of one man who had been holding his arm. He had been punched in the stomach for that little breach of etiquette.

Gunn continued as if there had not been any interruption whatsoever. " I have these visions Xan. Your death by my hand, so much blood, your blood...it's everywhere. " He laughed. " Didn't even know who you were, just this face taunting me, warping my brain. Then imagine my surprise when you show up. All needy, desiring my help...of course I took up your proposition. How perfect. "

He moved towards Xander, grasping the front of his jeans before the boy could move away. He drew Xander close, the blade resting against the side of his neck as added incentive. The fingers on his left hand ghosted