This story was the result of a Challenge placed on the mailing list 'Nummytreats' July 2001.
Thanks to BB (who made the challenge) and Nakedflame (for some plot ideas).
Anya dragged one immaculate nail through her coiffured hairstyle. 'Peach surprise' was the colour of every tinted, sprayed, cuticled fingertip .....and what did she get for her 'dolled up' trouble?
Xander screaming ....all breathy and low ....Spiiiikkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkeeeee!!!!! at the height of Orgasm last night...only minutes ago.
Yup....it was a 'surprise' alright...and she was just not feeling very 'peachy' about any of it.
Bastard!!! Thats what he was..and if he crawls on his hands and knees in apology.....i still wouldn't take the schmuck back. If he used that wicked tongue of his to clean the toilet bowl....hmmmm that image caught her unaware.... *shaking her head*Ewwww!!! too gross!!.... but i still wouldn't take him back if he did.
Anya entered the 'magic box' .....slamming the door so hard the little bell flew across the room in protest ....she glared hard at it as it shimmered across the floor and under the counter.
She wished for the seventeenth hundredth time that morning that she had her powers still ...so that she could avenge this ....travesty her life had just become. She was going to sulk.
''Anya.... your a little early , could you come back in say....oh.... four hours !!!! ''
That was it !!! Fuck sulking...human revenge sounded a hell of alot more fun. Yup, she had had enough.
Men !!!!!...there all the same inconsiderate assholes...total pricks.... She was damn glad for the Internet and Willows computer...so that she could read other peoples stories and know these words. For it was times like these when an ex-demon needed some harsh words to deal with....well...to deal with a situation just like this .
Turning towards Giles she screeched at him while flipping him the bird
" Penis head "
She snatched his keys from the corner of the counter and stormed back out the door. If I was a car where...oh where would I be .....
Hmmmm..yip ,round back....
She manoeuvred herself through the narrow alley to get to the back of the store and Giles brand spanking new Volvo.... Boy that car was soooooooo Giles...hell it was even his colour...beige...typical .....he should be punished just for having a car like that.
Opening the drivers side she slipped in behind the wheel....umm she didn't actually know how to drive. (one hasty lesson with Xander..nearly killing his uncles car.. ..he had kinda purposely forgotten to teach her drive after that).
Placing the key in the ignition she turned the motor over... sounded a bit crunchie but, to her it made the qualifying noise for driving. Slowly she started to ease the Volvo forward. Giles startled her by suddenly being there by her side ....damn ,thats right I had forgotten that you were supposed to close the door while the car was in motion.
'' Anya...what do you think your doing ? ''
Anya grabbed a fist full of blue-pinstriped shirt and hurled him across her lap ....He discreetly as possible scrambled the rest of the way to the passenger side , quickly buckling his seat belt in ...deep breaths and turned towards her. But before he could even utter a stutter ..she told him rather harshly
'' Leaving Sunnydale Iám ....had enough of this town and the people in it ''
Giles frowned then squinted his eyes at the girl. He had never liked her but I guess he should make some sort of an effort on Xanders behalf.
" You have had an argument with Xander ,I'm guessing ,but that doesn't mean you should leave without working through this .... and you certainly aren't leaving using my bloody car "
Anya peered at the road .... Four in the morning , guess I need some lights to see by ...could help . Hmmm so wheres the switch , she starts to flick on buttons....water is sprayed on the window, radio comes on and then off again ...cigarette lighter is activated.. Anya bends a little lower to look for more buttons to try.
Giles brain is going into overload....shes not even looking at the road... we are going to crash...die...fireball....blood and messiness......what will Buffy do without a Watcher...oh god ....he makes to grab for the steering wheel, flinches when she hisses and scratches him.
" Oh for Gods sake watch the road I don't want to die tonight ...you don't seem to have a clue as to what your doing " Yes..thats right .....piss off the ex demon at the hands of your baby.
Änya calmly turned to him ..a frown marring her face,she still couldn't find that damn switch for the lights.
'' Well , I don't really know what I'm doing ..I've only had one 5 minute lesson with Xander '' she reached across opening the glove compartment.....hmmm...Not in there.
Giles looked at her in Mounting Horror (borrowed that praise from Firehorse tribute to you...and you keep writing girl...damn those pitiful relations there not worth the agitation) ....he couldn't think of anything for second but visions of his being buried in his car rolled across his mind.
'' You.. uu don't know how to drive.... you don't owwwn a licence " he stuttered while wildly rubbing his eyes...until he remembered he didn't have his glasses on..... Good..!! that way i don't see my death..perfect.
Anya beamed at him " Thats right ''
" Oh " he stared at his hands.
Stopping at the lights .... she tapped manicured fingernails on the dash . Then....she saw him...couldn't believe her luck .... sending a quick thank you to D'Hoffryn ....she waited. The lights were green but the only other car on the road at the moment had to be infront of her....and it wasn't moving...damn it...that just got her riled .
"What shade of GREEN are you waiting for? MOVE IT!" she screamed out the window.
Backing up she jack knifed around the moron .....she had to get to him before he disappeared....as a squeal of tires from the other car as it peeled away from the corner suddenly. Blasted idiot should have moved two minutes ago.... she tsked, squirming in her seat.... now she had a clear view of him...yes...paybacks a Bitch .
Anya revved up the engine ..... pushed the excalerator to the floor ....they flew across the street .....Anya's face hardened as she glared at her target through the windscreen.... turn around .... I want to see your face when I smash into it.
Giles eyes widened in shock when he realized what she was doing.... he didn't know if he should close his eyes.... or just unbuckle and chance it by jumping from the moving car. Instead he froze as she was clearly nuts and was struck dumb as they closed in on her target.
Spike was casually minding his business...slowly drifting back from the pub...bottle discreetly wrapped in brown paper protruding from the pocket of his duster...he was humming...feeling awfully cheery he was, nice night too...not to darn hot, just comfortable . Damn whats that noise !!!!
The vampire turned around just in time to utter " Gwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa........... "
Then he was airborne....up over the bonnet of a car that careened into him at tremendous speed ...sailing over the roof....
"Scoreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!" Anya squealed in delight
'Shit !!!!.....Ouch!!!! Damn that hurts..... Bugger!!!....that better not damage me jeans only got new ones last week'...... and he landed rather hard on the concrete .... Fuck ...I'm going to kill this piece of shit ...chip, no chip i'll find a way to pierce something blunt into his stomach....maybe set the idiot on fire.
He tore around the front of the car with vampiric speed ( the car had come to rest ,entangled in a dense hedge some metres away)...He practically tore the hinges off the door in an attempt to get it open .
'' What the Hell........ '' noticing it was Anya in the drivers seat, his eyes flickering over to the petrified Giles cowering beside her " You.... tried to Kill me '' he tried reaching out to strangle her, but the chip kicked in, exploding pain so debilitating in his brain he sank to his knees .
" Damn it .... your not dead??.... Damn Vampires can't kill you easily at all ,just not fair." Glancing around Giles car she was furious....no sticks or stakes...or anything pointy , what kind of a useless Watcher was this man..... he should always be prepared.
Spike in the meantime had crawled into the back of Giles car to lay on the backseat and rest.
'' Hey Bitch... take me back to my crypt would ya ....suns coming up soon "
Anya swore many times ...would even have made Angel blush...sorry an angel blush *g*.....ranting to no one in particular....backed out of the hedge...quite a lot of it was tangled in the front grill .....Screamed the car in half circle sending Spike onto the floor ....
" Damn Girl " he picked himself off the floor... The Big Bad doesn't buckle in , but with this wench at the wheel he wasn't taking any chances.
"Where did you get your driver's license? A cracker jack box?" he laughed mockingly ..."wasn't from one of those Weetabix boxes of the Watchers ehhh ..cos thought i nicked that one"
Giles twisted around slightly to look at him ....he smirked at the vampire
" She doesn't actually own any type of a licence ....never driven a car either "
Giles was satisfied when Spike looked suitably horrified and as if it was even possible he turned more pale then he already was.
" Shes angry with Xander and it seems myself....my car...and you , will be paying the price for whatever happened to start this nightmare "
Anya noticed there was more traffic on the roads now that they were heading back into town .....some slow annoying person was chugging away at what seemed like 5 m/p.h ....damn it, does anyone know how to drive in this ratty little town .
"Lead, follow or get the HELL out of my way!" she hurtled at the driver as she peeled past the old fogie looking at her , bewildered as she flipped him off..it felt good but she was far from happy ..because the cause of her day was sitting all smug right there in the back seat.
Spike leaned forward , lighting a cigarette and taking a long heady suck on the much needed nicotine....steady his nerves a little .....god knows why but...he Spike was actually going to attempt the impossible ...he was going to try and diffuse this bomb that was this ex-demon bint.
" So what did the whelp do , I mean the boys pretty clueless about satisfying a women like you " Spike was almost making himself sick ... the girl has no clue at all with humans and shes entirely not good enough for his Nummytreat...but that was never going become public knowledge...so he grinned at her trying look sympathetic but failed miserably , he waited for her answer .
Thrusting on the breaks ....she stopped about two thirds of the way across an intersection. Looking daggers at Giles "Touch the steering wheel one more time I'll break your hand!"
Giles stammered '' I was just thinking that you would like me drive and you could talk to Spike about what happened '' he gulped....Want out now!!!...rather face some big ugly hairy ass demon than her.
If looks could maim....yeez '' Why on earth would I talk to him about Xander....hes my problem '' she pointed accusingly at the vampire.
Spikes eyebrows rose..... '' What did I do ??..... not even in the vicinity of you two and you white hats still accuse me of every bloody thing , sick of it Iám ''
Anya turned around forcibly ...punching the air with one 'peach surprise' tinted finger at Spike
'' Xander ....hes my boyfriend , but what does he do last night in the throes of passion ....spilling his seed deep inside me ...he moans your name .....'' She mimics Xander with all deep manly undertones
"Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiikkkkkkkkkkkkeeeee!!!!!!"
Giles quickly turns toward the front, twisting his hands in his lap ....he almost felt like smiling ....he would have loved to witness that...not the sex between Xander and Anya ..just the expression afterwards.... god he loved that boy like a son... Xander had a way of making light of a bad situation... *smirking* it seems even indirectly.
Spike had a shit ass grin on his face....he was also stunned , amazed and just a bit aroused. Wow...he had never thought the boy felt that way about him.
Anya let out an exasperated sigh. " Fine...you can have him , your welcome to him"
Spike had forgotten she was even there...he was playing wicked little scenarios in his head with his boy.. still grinning like he'd swallowed the friggin Cheshire pussy cat.
Anya threw open the door slamming it behind her . Giles called out to her .
" Where are you going ? "
Anya slowed momentarily ,not even turning towards him she explained over her shoulder.
'' Bus Station ...leaving this town now...get out of this hell. Have a nice life and all...can't say its been swelling "
and she was gone...seconds later there was another slam as Spike too got out .
" Where are you going ? "
Spike turned towards the Watcher...still grinning from ear to ear.
" Gotta find me some shelter before I turn into a Vamp McNugget .... see if the whelp needs any company''
Giles smiled and answered good naturedly " Don't you hurt Xander will you...sic the slayer on you boy"
Spike only grinned more in reply " I'll be as gentle as a fluffy kitten to him....that is unless he wants me to bite '' Spike winked , his duster fluttering around him as he turned and walked off quickly. He was horny....and hurt and in need of dire attention...he had wounds that needed licking.
Giles sighed...leaning his head against the dash. He had his car back...his precious car. Oh God it probably had slashes..scratches in the front from the Hedge. He contemplated asking the insurance company if there was any clauses for damage from ex-vengeance demons and rabid vampires .. he could leave the ''ex'' out.... i mean what they didn't know wouldn't hurt them . This was Sunnydale stranger things probably have and do happen in this town. Giles chuckled...Yeah right!!! .this place was a river of bleed'in denial.
THE END.