This report is the summary of the Fathering the Future Forum held on Saturday 28 March 1998 at Christchurch Boys High School. Community workers, social workers, and educators, Members of Parliament, business people, church groups and members of the general public attended the forum. At one stage it was estimated that there were 500 people present.

The former Commissioner for Children, Laurie O’Reilly, cared passionately about children, young people and the role of fathers in their lives.

In partnership with Save the Children Fund, Laurie O’Reilly launched a research project – ‘Fathers who Care – Partners in Parenting". The project aimed to create a substantial building block in the quest for increased knowledge of and commitment to the concept of caring fathers who are equal partners in the parenting of their children. It also aimed to identify the core messages and behaviours of quality fathering and co-parenting and to develop and provide resource kits for fathers and agencies.

In 1997 planning began for a forum to raise awareness about the importance of caring, nurturing, quality fathering and co-parenting. The Fathering the Future Forum held in Sydney 1997 was an inspiring model upon which the Christchurch event was based.

The forum was held to raise the awareness of society of the issues that fathers’ face in New Zealand society today. It also enabled interested and committed people to meet to discuss these issues and to create an environment to allow networking to take place.

The Fathering the Future forum included an added component in the form of 3 separate but complementary fora to be held on Friday 27 March prior to the main forum. The fora were:

• Family Law Forum

• Fathering in Different Cultures

• Youth Forum.

The report from the Law Forum is attached at the conclusion of this report.

For details of the Fathering in Different Cultures Forum please contact the Race Relations Office, phone: 365-7868

The conference opened with a welcome from Cr Garry Moore, the chair of the Steering Committee.

Roger McClay, Commissioner for Children, welcomed participants and introduced staff from his office that presented two research reports.

The Governor general, His Excellency Sir Michael Hardie-Boys, formally opened the forum.

Professor Ian pool, Director of the Population Studies Centre at Waikato University was the first keynote speaker. His speech was entitled Fathering, Families and our Future: Population Perspectives.

After morning tea, participants formed smaller groups to discuss the following issues:

Father Friendly Workplaces

Father and Sport

Fathering: A Woman’s Perspective

Image of Fathering in the Media

Fathers in Fathering Groups

Fathering in the Parenting Role

Fathering and Children’s Health

Fathering in Schools and Childcare

The keynote speaker before lunch was Paul Callister, researcher and father, who presented a paper entitled Pigs, Heroes or Wimps? New Zealand Fathers at the Turn of the Century.

In the early afternoon, Ian Grant, seminar leader, social commentator and community worker, spoke about: A Desperate Needs for Creative Dads.

The workshops of the morning were repeated, offering participants an opportunity to contribute in different areas.

The three fora that were held on the Friday, and the workshops from Saturday, reported back to the conference at this time. Chris O’Reilly introduced speakers who offered ‘a new voice" from each of the following perspectives: Youth, Culture and women.

"Establishing a structure whereby men can play a male role in the lives of children – both their now and more particularly for fatherless children. To that end this forum can play an important role in educating men that what they do is important in children’s lives: they don’t need to be "male mothers" they have a role, both for their own children and fatherless ones."

"There is a danger that the true diversity of the NZ family will again be challenged as the fundamentalists and the right wing use the language of "family values" to label certain families. As Hilary Clinton said: "it’s how we value families that counts." "

"Unfortunately much of what the issues are revolves around those already upon us. This covers family breakups, ignorance of being a father, relationship building etc. It would be great to have early intervention; skill based programs that provide education of these issues. Maybe having pre-marriage input (let’s make marriages last) etc needs to happen. Do we need to commit to putting the fence at the top of the cliff rather than the ambulance at the bottom."

The three hundred people who attended the forum were asked to evaluate the conference. One hundred and two replies were received. The majority of these were positive, however they represent only one third of the participants.

It came across very strongly that fathers needed to talk about their specific situations before contributing to the larger issues of the conference. One suggestion was that sub groups of the conference could work at the different levels, with support and action groups to better meet the participants needs.

The evaluations make it clear that many men wanted a learning situation that taught them practical skills of parenting. While some participants wanted a more expansive and wide-ranging approach, others were at the beginning of their discovery of fathering and needed to be catered for. This could take the form of referrals to existing men’s groups and parenting courses, or specifically designed initiatives.

It was also recommended that working groups, in conjunction with the forum organiser, continue to run workshops to pick up on these areas. Activity days that subtly facilitate ‘hands on skills’ were suggested for fathers and children. Fathers want to be competent and confident in their role and need a supportive, respectful environment in which to learn both theory and practice.

Several evaluations stated that there would be consultation with children and youth at all levels because they are principle benefices.

Many evaluations complimented the forum on accurately identifying issues. These participants wanted to know what the practical outcomes would be. The previous Commissioner, Laurie O’Reilly, wished for practical beneficial outcomes from this conference also.

• Family values are not the same as corporate values, which can make the integration of work and parenting difficult.
• Employers need education to assist them to: understand what a father friendly workplace is, realise that assisting men to be good parents has advantages for employers such as increased employee satisfaction, increased productivity, increased respect in the community.
• Financial pressures and employment constraints such as shift work place pressure on the family unit.

• Employment could be based on achieving outputs, rather than working regular hours each day.
• More employment can take place in the home rather than at a place of business. Job sharing and teleworking may be other alternatives.
• Career businessmen might examine their own motivation for working longer hours.
• Legislation is a useful mechanism for change and could assist families in our communities:

-Families could be treated as a single tax unit or given other incentives.

-Sick leave could be broadened to cover family needs.

• Flexibility and fairness are needed to address employer/parent needs.

• Fathers can be positive role models for children other than their own.
• Sport may offer opportunities for both fathers and children to learn: participation, sharing, managing and dealing with others, and being healthy (mentally and physically).
• It was perceived that some fathers expect too much from their children, could pass on inappropriate values, or may spend so much time on sport that other family members are disadvantaged.

• Fathers need to find a balance between sport and the needs of their family.
• Be willing to get involved in your child’s sport as a positive role model, emphasizing fun, skills and safety.

• The media, TV, and advertising in particular often put men down or report only the bad news. A balance is needed.
• There is little portrayal of men as positive constructive role models in television shows.
• Men are often seen as ‘the problem’. Some men take on personal feelings of inadequacy, guilt or victimisation and low self esteem from this attitude.

• Consumers dictate what the media portrays. Fathers must challenge negative images, target media groups and lobby for the types of images that are beneficial.
• The government could initiate a Fathering Champaign with a profile similar to the campaign against drunk driving.

• Fathers are not taught how to be with, or look after their children as they are growing up.
• There is virtually no support or education offered fathers from childbirth onwards.
• Men are seen as generally more isolated emotionally, either not willing or not able to network effectively.
• Men may have difficulty reconciling the conflicting roles of nurturer and disciplinarian.

• Men and children benefit from fathers working on good communication with ex partners.
• Make a commitment to unconditional love of children.
• Fathering groups work to: reduce isolation, provide a collective voice for men, provide support and ‘guilt free zones’ (these will not condone violence or abuse), and provide quality parent education courses.

USEFULNESS OF THE FORUM

-Raised new issues for people

-Highlighted the importance of the role of fathers

-Created a togetherness

-Hear specialist input

-Heard other people’s points of view

-Feeling of positivity and that something was being done.

-Helped with role as father.

-Created an awareness amongst influential people.

-Useful networking opportunity.

-Affirmation as a primary caregiver

-Sharing of experiences with fathers and policymakers

-To show other fathers who did not attend that something is happening.

-To see potential men's supports groups

-Realization that there are many issues that are not being addressed within the system.

That is the failure of schools to recognise the needs of kids.

-Experiencing the difference between rhetoric and clear thought

-A great boost for personal commitment

-Refocused my role ass a father to meet the demander of our every changing society.

-Information gained to enable practice to begin

-Identification of common goals

-Woman’s comment- insight to how difficult it is for fathers.

-Excellent starting point

Not Useful

-Doubtful that content and leadership at the forum has been useful

SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENTS

-Spread over two days

-Less speakers more workshops

-Practical suggestions – father training courses

-Workshop for sharing experiences

-Keynote speakers at the end of the day to keep the crowd

-Longer workshops

-Childcare provision

-Precis notes from speakers

-More cultural content

-Overheads more easily read

-More guidance on workshop structure

-Make water available

-To involve the spiritual/Christian aspect

-Provide opportunities for ordinary fathers to speak

-Produce a list of people registered

-Stronger linking with the views from the youth

-Have the social policy makers take accountability and respond to ideas for positive change.

-Workshops need to be more for the participants than the leaders

-Clearer definition of goals in the workshops

-Need ideas on how to achieve advice given.

-Focus on fathering issues – found minority groups and their issues sidetracked some discussion.

-Have keeping fathers/children safe in the forum

-Better group leaders

-Smaller groups, group process not well addressed

-Smaller events may be more suitable

-Encourage those fathers not interested to attend.

-More emphasis on success stories

-Encourage more women to attend

-Less facts and figures and more real stories

-Include topics on being a grandfather

-More down to earth grass root speakers

-No women until we are ready

-Bring in other cultural perspectives

-Women only workshops

SUGGESTIONS FOR FUTURE TOPICS

Support systems to help fathers do their job.

Self care strategies for fathers

Sharing fathers: for fatherless children

Disadvantaged individuals who have not had the father role model in their lives and how it has impacted on their lives; both good and bad.

Fathers and the law: Men’s rights in custodial matters.

Fathering from a Maori perspective.

Exploring more than the traditional male and female parenting role.

Fathering in separated families.

Step-fathering.

Mentoring.

Challenges and how to cope with them as a father.

What to do if you have problems, avenues of help

Perceptions of parenting

What parenting involves and what actually make a parent successful.

Fathering issues for socio economic groups at extremes of society

Gay men as fathers

Male role models for children of lesbian relationships

What is a family – deconstructing the myth of family.

Same gender partnerships and parenting

Creative ideas for fathering

The reality of poverty – financial, spiritual, emotional; - and its impacts on all families.

The role of the church in family life

Dealing with our own fathers

Fathering amongst disadvantaged people.

Violence

Co-parenting and extended families

Community Parenting and Responsibilities.

How to initiate our children into becoming adults

Men Self image – explore at depth.

Absentee Fathers – how to address legal issues

Mother-Father conflict – access problems

Look at male security in being male

Dealing with male issues so males feel comfortable with themselves so they are then able to deal with themselves.

Fathers of Special needs Children

Fathers as scapegoats

Fathers and marriage

Fathers and childsupport

SUGGESTIONS OF SPEAKERS FOR THE FUTURE

Ministry of Men’s Affairs

Ministers of the Crown

Steven Biddulph

Ian Grant

Prof Ian Pool

Governor General

John Cooney (Grapevine Magazine)

Trevor Wilson: Local Pastor

High profile public speakers who are supportive of the issues

Separation and Divorce – the effects on children

Women Speakers

Youth

Adrienne Burgess (UK Keynote Speaker: Men as Parents Conference, London)

Joan Kelly; USA Family Therapist and Researcher. Author of surviving the breakup.

Corporate leaders who are supporting Dads.

Promise Keepers Speakers

Bruce Logan

Judges

Lawyers

Darryl Gregory from the Waka Tapu – Cashel Street

More views from the floor

More Women from a wider diverse group.

SUGGESTIONS FOR FUTURE DIRECTION

Try to answer the concerns

Create an image of the father role for the future – the role of fathers in tomorrow’s society from a spiritual point of view rather than an economic point of view.

Regular event 3-6 monthly.

Marketing

Tangata Whenua involvement

Develop a library for free borrowing. Many who are poor need to borrow books.

Initiatives which focus on opportunities for fathers or those performing the fathering role within families to demonstrate their commitment to their children.

Lobbying Government for funding to increase the profile of fathering as a key social issue.

Seek involvement of more fathers.

Introduction of the Fatherhood of God the Father, as an eternal model and initiate.

Focus must remain as a movement for the well being of children, a movement that presses for investment in New Zealand for the wealth and future of its young people.

Keep the media involved.

Discussion groups and continuous debate.

Clarify our vision for the future to ensure success.

Form a trust soon to acquire funding and resources. Have

Have a fund raising dinner later.

Invite key movers and shakers to workshops to set guidelines and boundaries and to identify key goals.

Support and initiate infrastructure to support fathers in change, towards active and caring parenting.

Make the forum accessible to all cultures, and value men as fathers and women as mothers.

Help nuture fathering groups.

Get youth involved

Run practical courses and seminars to help fathers.

Initiate fatherhood courses for school leavers

Provide a documentary for general TV audience

Advertising campaign.

Ensure that we build on this and not start from the beginning.

Exposure and air time for

Networking – Telephone and Address lists

Combined session with young people.

Hold the next seminar on a work day and challenge all employers to allow their staff to attend with loss of pay.

Accentuate the positive

Generate guidelines for schools and workplaces to facilitate parenting.

Include community organisations at top level.

Care taken that particular groups are not allowed to hijack the forum to push their own particular views.

Positive solution based approach.

Shifting the focus from fathers who care to fathers do care.

Publish the youth forum findings at a national level, float their ideas.

To have more regional events and more often build up a tight network which can be promoted through Media as a positive thing ‘being a father’.

Keep being visual, keep educating.

Start a series of projects based on the workshops and repeat this forum around New Zealand.

At two, well attended workshops issues were raised that will be important to all employers. The attendees at those workshops are representative of a cross-section of employers and employees. The following issues were highlighted:

Issues Identified:

1. Employers need to recognise that helping the employee to be a good father is positive investment in terms of increasing employee satisfaction, increasing productivity and demonstrating to the community that you are a good employer.
2. Family values are not the same as corporate values, which makes integration of lives difficult.
3. Employers need to be educated in regards to what is a father friendly workplace and why it is needed.
4. Fathers’ fear of unemployment constrains them in making a stand for greater consideration of their role.

Obstacles:

1. No recognition that a good family life means good business.
2. Time off work with kids means less money or maybe even job loss.
3. Job sharing talked about not actioned (often too many arguments against it.)
4. Financial pressures.

1. Shift work can be destructive to family unit.
2. Employer’s who are not parents do not understand.
3. Our culture does not support positive talk of fathering in the workplace.
4. Family values and corporate values are often different.

1. People are more important than the task. Value our kids more than our work.
2. Be outcome driven in a team context rather than bound by hours
3. Employers need to be educated on the benefits of job sharing and tele-working.
4. Employers need to be aware that two income families are often a necessity and needs to be accommodated in the workplace.
5. Flexibility in the context of fairness is required to meet employer and employee needs.
6. Home based business is good and positive and trending upwards.
7. Legislation is required as one of the mechanisms of change.
8. Sick Leave should be broadened to cover family issues.
9. A culture change will occur through positive peer pressure.
10. Families need to be treated as a single tax unit.
11. Integrate family values into corporations.
12. Exam own motives for working longer.

1. Sense of involvement.
2. Learn to deal with and manage others.
3. Establish team values.
4. Encouraged to participate.
5. Role model for kids
6. Healthy dads – physically and mentally.
7. Teaches good socialisation.
8. Can be a ‘good’ dad to other kids.
9. Shared interest with kids.
10. A vehicle for teaching of values.

1. Can expect too much from children.
2. Bad values can be picked up or passed on.
3. Children may start to feel that sport is all they are valued for.
4. Can take up all the father’s time.
5. All the children in the family need time.
6. Live their lives through their children’s.
7. Favourtism over kids in the team.

We are products of stereotyping.

We bring our own experiences to parenting.

Therefore: Different expectations

Different values

Clashes/Power issues.

Women’s expectations

Provider

Nurturer

Men Feeling women feel men are inadequate- men then feel vulnerable.

Separation – court system- weighted against men.

Fatherless children – male input required.

"All men are potential abusers" If men are too close to children they are "quizzed".

Men feel the secondary parent: Women "gate keeping"

Partnership – Equal but different ways.

Importance of communication expectations.

Workplace – need for change.

Men think that women think that men won’t get it right.

Fear of failure, fear of confrontation.

Education

Awareness

1. The media – especially TV, and especially in advertisements – often put men down. A balance is needed.
2. The push for "equality" has eliminated the hierarchical role of fathers.
3. Men are not promoted in the media as positively as are women. Reverse sexism rules.
4. What the media portrays is up to us: the consumers.
5. We must challenge negative images, target media groups, and lobby for positive portrayals.
6. We must show that fathering is fundamental to society.

7. Male violence is highlighted where as female violence is not.

7. People selectively use the media to support what they think.

1. Television Advertisements and sitcoms showing men as inferior idiots.
2. Reverse sexism.
3. Boys failing in schools – school standards?
4. Personal feelings of victimisation and inadequacy.
5. Me seen as "The Problem"
6. Stereotyped image of fathers in the media.
7. Lack of self-esteem.
8. Media presents angles not balance.

Recommendations

1. Media will change when society changes.

2. Adapt a dynamic relationship with the media-be creative.
3. Parents must be the TV censors ad discuss/analyse programmes with children.
4. Govt should put money into a positive fathering campaign as with the campaign against drunken driving.
5. Realise the difference between information and entertainment.
6. Fathers have to set values.
7. Media need to take care when setting role models, such as violent sports people.
8. Target the younger people – ‘the fathers to be’.

1. Target Media groups
2. Seek positive add campaign

General Comments

The process is starting – documentaries about fathering, the Laurie O’Reilly Series and advertising.

We are not at the mercy of the media.

1. What is expected of a father is sometimes too much to action.
2. Fathers are not taught how to be with or look after their kids as they grow up.

1. Requirement to be disciplinarian and yet to be caring and non-violent. (Children’s safety and needs paramount.)
2. Work places lack protocols for fathering.
3. No preparation or support offered fathers from childbirth onwards.
4. Isolation of men and men not willing or able to network.

1. Family support and good communication with ex partners.
2. Commitment to the unconditional love of kids.

1. Fathers want to be involved in stable families.
2. Men feel excluded/rejected from parenting.
3. Society is money driven not family driven.
4. Bad role modeling by own father.
5. Some fathers not intended.

1. Worries about false accusation.
2. Legal issues (Family Courts)
3. Image of men in the media.
4. Bias in Children’s stories/TV Programs
5. Unemployment
6. Lack of men’s groups/services.
7. Not allowed to participate properly therefore will opt out.
8. No idea what to do.
9. Not enough time on own with children.
10. Problems of the past (coming to terms with own childhood/father).

1. Separation, death issues affect children’s health.
2. Need for role models.
3. Image of fathers in media –lack of images and positives.
4. Lack of services for men generally – re children’s health, fathering, in forums where men feel comfortable.
5. Spiritually – children’s handling of death.
6. Barriers for young men about talking about feelings/emotions (wimps/heroes).
7. Alcohol and drug issues and young men.
8. Importance of valuing our young people.
9. Lack of resources and services for men in a way, which is accessible.
10. There is a narrow focus on men’s health; prostrate, testicles, anger management.
11. Social construction of masculinity.

1. Medical system makes people unwell, for example people are not skilled at social services. Fathering role would pick this up.
2. Fathers have no guards against their children being abused; Sexually, mentally, physically.
3. Poor education – poor fathering – poor education.

1. Remember the 95% of families that work.
2. Need to recognise that some families are not the best environment for the children.
3. Affirmation of Diversity of families.
4. There needs to be a father figure. This does not need to be the biological father.
5. Need for more alternative role models.
6. Issues of poverty in sole parenting situations need to be addressed.
7. Affirming the success.
8. Male role models may not need to be the mothers partner.
9. Encourage male role models into society e.g. creches.
10. A need for understanding of where the children come from – what is spirituality, values etc..
11. Education for parents; mental health issues, physical health issues.
12. Father’s attitudes need to change to ensure regular health checks. Real men can ask for help.
13. When men ask for help the help has to be empowering.

FATHERING IN SCHOOLS AND EARLY CHILDHOOD

THE GOVERNOR GENERAL

PROFESSOR IAN POOL

Fathering the Future Forum Steering Committee

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS