| Before Health Reforms | After Health Reforms |
| Health Reforms Ad Agency | SaaCHE and SaaCHE |
| Government | LyCHEs |
| Finance | Expensive CHEs |
| Administration | CHEs board |
| Chief Executive | Big CHEs |
| Complaints | Whine and CHEs |
| Hospital Chaplain | CHEsus |
| X-ray | Camera-bert CHEs |
| Private wing | Blue vein CHEs |
| Dietary Services | Ham n CHEs |
| Geriatrics | Mouldy CHEs |
| Hospital Cafeteria | LunCHEs and MunCHEs |
| Accident and Emergency | CrunCHEs |
| Maternity | New CHEs |
| Mental Health Unit | CHEs and Crackers |
| Mortuary and Sperm Bank | Stiff CHEs |
| Surgical Unit | CHEs knife |
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Stress Management Techniques
A few ways to deal with stressful situations...
| Talk it out | Share it with someone else. Others will welcome your trust. |
| Laugh it off | Lighten it with humour. Be generous with smiles. |
| Sort it out | List practical options, weigh, decide, then act. |
| Exaggerate it | Picture the worst that could really happen. Is it likely? |
| Delay it | Put aside 15 minutes for a worry session - leave it until then. |
| Cancel it | Think positively, don't let the negative pull you down. |
| Breathe it away | Inhale deeply, exhale heavily a few times. Calm your thoughts. |
| Balance it | Consider the good consequences and feel glad about them. |
| Shrug it off | Raise your shoulders, then drop them. Relax your body. |
| Write it out | It is easier to see it in perspective when it is put on paper. |
| Distance it | Imagine a few years from now. How much will it matter then. |
| Win through it | Imagine yourself being successful and feel good about it. |
| Work it off | Do something physical. Clear your head, divert your energy. |
| Reverse it | Consider taking an opposite approach, explore alternatives. |
| Hold it | Say "Stop", pause, think. Now take a fresh look. |
| Escape it | Notice something enjoyable around you. Get into the present. |
A List of Medical Terms and Definitions
| Term | Definition |
| Artery | The study of painting |
| Bacteria | The back door to the cafeteria |
| Barium | What doctors do when treatment fails |
| Bowel | A letter like A E I O & U |
| Caesarean section | A district in Rome |
| CAT Scan | Searching for kitty |
| Cauterise | Made eye contact with her |
| Colic | A sheep dog |
| Congenital | Friendly |
| Dilate | To live long |
| Enema | Not a friend |
| Labour pain | Getting hurt at work |
| Medical staff | Doctor's walking stick |
| Morbid | Higher offer |
| Nitrate | Cheaper than day rate |
| Node | Well aware of |
| Outpatient | Person who has fainted |
| Pelvis | Cousin of Elvis |
| Post-operative | Letter carrier |
| Prostate | Fall on your back |
| Recovery room | Place to do upholstery |
| Rectum | Damn near killed him! |
| Secretion | Hiding something |
| Seizure | Roman emperor |
| Table | A small table |
| Terminal illness | Getting sick at the airport |
| Tibia | Country in North Africa |
| Tumour | More than one |
| Urine | Opposite of "You're out!" |
Brain Teasers
1. Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minific (Translation = Twinkle, twinkle, little star).
2. Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.
3. Surveillance should proceed saltation.
4. Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profunidty.
5. It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lacteal fluid.
6. Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
7. The stylus is more potent than the claymore.
8. It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative manuevers.
9. Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion.
10. The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled saucepan does not reach 212 degress F.
11. All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not aurum.
12. Where there are visible vapors having their prevalence in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
13. Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
14. A plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniques vitiate the potable concoctions produced by steeping certain commestibles.
15. Eleemosynary deeds have their insipience intramurally.
16. Male cadavers are incapable of yielding any testimony.
17. Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be advised to refrain from catapulting petrous projectiles.
18. Neophyte serendipity.
19. Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes of hedonistic diversion render John a hebetudinous fellow.
20. A revolving lithic conglomerate accumulates no congeries of miniscule, verdant bryophytic plant.
21. The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the optimal cachinnation.
22. Abstention from any aleatory undertakings precludes a potential escalation of lucrative a nature.
23. Missiles of ligneous or petrous consistency have the potential of fracturing my osseous structure, but appellations will eternally remain innocuous.
24. Persons of imbecilic mentality deviate in parameters which cherubic entities approach with trepidation.
25. Elementary sartorial techniques initially applied preclude repetitive similiar actions to the square of three.
26. A feline donning appendage-protecting accessories apprehends zero petite rodents.
27. Desist from enumeration your fowl prior to the emergence from the prenatal ovoid structure.
28. Deposition to inquiry deprived the feline of its vital state.
29. It is practicable to entice an Equus caballus to a reservior of liquid dihydrogen oxide but coercing him to imbibe is insuperable.
30. Upon the nonpresence of the domestic Felis catus the Mus musculi proceed to engage in sportive capers.
31. A buffoon and his accumulation of legal tender are expeditiously disunited.
32. Exigency is the matriarch of ingenious contrivance.
Ten Commandments for Reducing Stress
1. Thou shalt NOT be perfect, nor even try to be.
2. Thou shalt NOT try to be all things to all people.
3. Thou shalt leave things undone that ought to be done.
4. Thou shalt NOT spread thyself too thinly.
5. Thou shalt learn to say "NO".
6 Thou shalt schedule time for thyself, and thy supportive network.
7. Thou shalt switch off, and do nothing regularly.
8. Thou shalt be boring, untidy, inelegant, and unattractive at times.
9. Thou shalt NOT even feel guilty.
10. Especially, thou shalt NOT be thine own worst enemy, but be thy best friend.
Things you don't want to hear during surgery
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.
"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
Bob! Bob! Come back with that! Bad dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that....uh....that uh....thingie.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Darn, there go the lights again...
"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off..
Hey, what's this doing here?
I hate it when they're missing stuff in here..
Wow, that's so cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
Well folks, this is going to be an experiment for us all.
Sterile, shmerile. The floor's clean, right?
What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change.....!
Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
Uh, this patient has already had some kids, right?
Don't worry. I'm sure it is sharp enough.
What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
She's gonna blow! Everybody take cover!!!
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!!
Top 5 Reasons Why Computers Must be Male
5. They're heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.
4. They periodically cut you off right when you think you've established a network connection.
3. They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won't do more than they have to and they won't think of it on their own.
2. They're typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded in for a new model. Some users, however, feel they've already invested so much in the damn machine that they're compelled to remain with an underpowered system.
1. They get hot when you turn them on, and that's the only time you have their attention.
Top 5 Reasons Why Computers Must be Female
5. No one but their creator understands their logic.
4. Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The solution for IBDers who love to surf the 'net
Solutions to Brain Teasers
1. Twinkle, twinkle little star.
2. Birds of a feather flock together
3. Look before you leap
4. Beauty is only skin deep
5. Don't cry over spilt milk
6. Cleanliness is next to godliness
7. The pen is mightier than the sword
8. You can't teach a dog new tricks
9. Spare the rod and spoil the child
10. A watched pot never boils
11. All that glitters is not gold
12. There's no smoke without fire
13. Beggars can't be choosers
14. Too many cooks spoil the brew
15. Charity begins at home
16. Dead men tell no lies
17. People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones
18. Beginners luck
19. All work and no play makes John a dull boy
20. Rolling stones gather no moss
21. He who laughs last laughs longest
22. You've got to spend money to make money
23. Sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me
24. Only fools fall in love
25. If at first you don't succeed, try, try, try again
26. ???
27. Don't count your chickens until they've hatched
28. Curiosity killed the cat
29. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink
30. When the cats away the mice will play
31. A fool and his money are easily separated
32. Necessity is the mother of invention